Blonde Bombshell Blogs

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays to all my blogger friends and readers. Hope you spent a wonderful day with you family or friends or whomever you chose. I am happy to report that I passed my classes with good grades and am progressing along just fine. YEAH!! Today I am thankful for friends and family and am blessed to have a job and my health. There is more I would like to add but I think I'll save it for another post.
Happy Holidays!!

Writing Again

2011-11-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am writing again. This is amazing considering that I just finished writing a one page paper. You would think that my capacity to put written word to page (so to speak) would be tapped out. But no, you would be wrong. Only two more weeks of school left. So glad this semester is almost over. But at the same time, I have a ten page monstrosity of a paper that I have to write before that time period is over. Not really looking forward to that. But as per usual I'm sure I will write it under the pressure of a deadline and it will be all good...hopefully.
So, I have already purchased three christmas presents this year. That is EARLY for me. I'm determined to knock out shopping sometime before December 15th I think. It's a VERY nice thing to be earning some money finally again. Now if I could find that work/school/life balance then all would be perfect.
Ok, so it's a short post. Off to hang out in the house.

Emotional One

2011-11-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's me, the emotional one. At least it is tonight. The evening before thanksgiving and I feel like I have so many things to be thankful for. First off, thankful to be alive and mostly healthy. Recent events have shown me that although I might be on the heavier side of life, that I have a lot of things in my favor that other people don't have and I am thankful to be healthy. I'm also thankful for having a family that although can be crazy and wild at times, loves me no matter what. I'm happy to be a part of a family that loves each other, no matter what happens. Up or down, love is still there. I'm so happy and proud to be an Aunt to Frances, Trina, Devan, Niko, Evan, and Alec. Some of those I added myself too, but hey, I feel like I'm their Aunt. Being their Aunt in my head and heart is what matters. I'm thankful for singing to Frances at night sometimes and putting her to sleep, even for having her correct me when I sing the wrong words. She brings me a peace that I've not known in other areas of my life. I'm thankful for my KJ who keeps me sane and supports me no matter what. I'm thankful for my friends who love me unconditionally and are there for me when I need them, in sometimes the dumbest ways possible. I hope to God that I am as decent a friend to those who care for me as I care for them. So before I get too far into sounding like an idiot I'm going to leave it there. I'm thankful. Thankful for everything I have, everything I've been given, and everything I don't even realize I have....

Saturday this time (Graphic Warning!)

2011-11-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

Life is precarious and special. How do I know this you ask? Well it was sort of a bad day for me on my unit. Not really bad, someone didn't die, but something scary did happen. I took over at change of shift for a woman who had just delivered her baby girl. Now, the common procedure is to check her blood pressure and vitals every 15 minutes and also to massage her fundus and check on her bleeding. All seemed to be going well, but after the five checks were over (the minimum amount of times we are required to do this), she complained of feeling dizzy and feeling a lot of gushing. I laid her back and immediately tried to massage the fundus and was unable to find it at that time. I called out calmly for help on the intercom and sure enough my patient was experiencing a little postpartum hemorrhage. Eventually had to happen I suppose in my line of work but this left me pretty shaken up for the rest of the night. She was fine by the way, lest I leave anyone concerned for her well being, just had to have her bladder emptied and a little medication given via IV and rectally (good times). But of course this whole experience had me thinking too much, as I'm prone to do. These women and babies that are born in my care, they are putting their lives in my hands. The littlest thing could end up damaging someone, like too much air in an IV line, and I worry almost every day that I might do something that will damage somebody...let alone that I could accidentally kill them. It's a scary thought and I try to have reverence for the fact that what I am doing is very serious work and should be taken as such. I know there are bound to be more nights like this, and nights where something even more scary could happen. I hope they are few and far in between and that I do whatever is best and right for my patients.
With that thought in mind, here was my song for tonight...
"Breakable"~Ingrid Michaelson
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.

Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

It's Beer O'Clock Sunday!

2011-11-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

Aren't you excited? I know I am. 5 nights from tonight it's the premiere of Breaking Dawn (yes I'm a twihard in case you didn't know and NO I don't care if you judge me because of it). As of right now I'm going on Friday with Tiffany (my bff) and Sarah (my twinnie) and hopefully maybe again on Sunday with Kendra (one friend)...but she hasn't responded quite yet. Speaking of responses, apparently you only get comments on your blog if you allow anonymous posters to post questions you are expected to answer. Ever since I posted that blog about how you should be brave enough to at least put your name on your post....nothing! Now granted, my blogs aren't exactly earth shattering motivational type lovely dovey type posts, but a comment here and there would be nice. (Now of course I'll probably get several comments and they will likely be making fun of me, but I don't care). :) As the blog says, those who know me love me and if you don't know me or love me...then who the F cares.
So, I'm watching the third movie in the Twilight series again tonight. Watched New Moon again tonight also (had to order both of these this week as my New Moon had mysteriously disappeared-for which I blame Kerry as it's the one I relate to the most and I think she doesn't like to see me cry to it)...but anywho, I digress. I ordered both 2 and 3 from amazon earlier this week. Watching them again just gets me all ramped up for the premiere of Breaking Dawn this weekend. It will be the highlight of my week to say the least.
Today I spent a lot of time sleeping. I really needed to catch up, I seriously had a mini breakdown at school on Friday after one of my classmates told me that I looked like shit (he said it nicer than this, but still, the effect was the same). I feel like I am caught up on sleep at least, thank God. Now I need to catch up on homework. Need to find the motivation for that. UGH!
No song to leave you with tonight, all I have are movie lines in my head. And of course given this post, you could all guess what they might be! Happy Sunday!!

'Cause I Can

2011-11-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to write another blog post. No particular reason behind this decision, but I'm home, I recently finished a portion of homework, and as the title says...I can! So interesting day today. At work we had to discuss fetal demises, still births, non viable live births, and neonatal resuscitation. That's sort of a depressing yet necessary topic that had to be covered. The weird part about this is that I had a good day! Do you think that makes me morbid/weird?!? Oh well, I am ME and that's all I can be. So my friend Kendra, who doesn't have a blog so I have to share this story for her, was on the Sounder train today when it apparently hit someone. She ended up having to be stuck on the train for over 2 1/2 hours (I think, sorry if the time isn't exact) and over such a depressing thing to have happen. Yet again, my good mood stayed. I listened to some emotive (big word) instrumental music that my friend Seth sent me, and still my good mood stayed. Fricking weird! That's what that is. So now I'm writing a blog post mostly because I don't want to do anymore homework, there is nothing on TV, and now you all have to read what I'm writing about. Well you don't have to, but assuming you're here you're going to anyway because you want to know what I'm writing about.....
Speaking of nothing being on TV, watching Monty Python's Life of Brian. Not normally something I would choose, but hey, here it is on my TV anyway. So my other plan for the night (other than to take Kendra to her car which didn't happen cause they bus-ed people up to the park and ride) was to go to my sister's house and put the baby (yes Tiff I know she's 3 years old and Sarah had a baby that is younger, but Frances is still the baby to me) to sleep. Why would I want to go put a 3 year old to sleep you ask? SEE ABOVE people...I am weird. I love singing her to sleep at night, after we read several books where she sometimes corrects me if I read it wrong or I don't say it with the voices/noises that her mama does. And of course as I'm singing her to sleep if I try to hum the words she corrects me and tells me to sing it instead....thankfully when she falls into the first stage of her sleep she will let me hum it. There are only so many times I can sing the 4 songs of my "Frances Night Time" repertoire before I just want to hum it. Not to mention the fact that two of those songs I'm a little light on the lyrics in (which she thankfully doesn't know yet).
So I got tired of Monty Python, switched to Law and Order Criminal Intent. I know I know, it's not SVU, but it will do in a pinch. Have you ever watched the London/UK/British version of Law and Order? I've tried to watch it, can't really get into it the same way that I can the originals! I'm sure you're all tired of reading my randomness for the night so I'll leave you with a song dedicated to a special someone...you know who you are!!

One and Only~Adele
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

One Month In..

2011-11-06T00:59:00.000-07:00

Well one month in to the school/work/life combination and its definitely had its ups and downs. There are some nights that I have actually broken down in tears and wanted to give up on the whole thing. Work itself is going great and I love that part of it. School...well that's another story. First of all, not sure the master's program is the right choice for me anymore. But who knows what will happen.
Today was a semi-rough day at work. Sort of slow and then on top of that I was zero/four for IV starts. Such a bummer cause they looked like great starts to start with. Then ended up not being the best things ever. Totally lame.
What else is lame, sitting at home, on a Saturday night, at 0100 and still not asleep. My mistake though since I forgot to refill my medications and thus have no sleeping pills for tonight. ARGH!
I thought I had a lot to write about...turns out I actually don't. So I'll say goodnight for now and see you all on the flip side.

One Week In

2011-10-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well I'm one week in to the work and school schedule and so far it's going ok. Work is really boring right now but its about to get more exciting at the end of this week~we'll actually finally be on the floor, thankfully. I am so tired of sitting in classrooms for hours on end, sometimes learning stuff that is new but mostly learning stuff I already knew (about the job anyway). And then of course there is having to sit on my butt during my school classes too. Oh joy oh fun times. We have this really hard class this semester called Nursing Theory and of course its taught by the Dean! So you know, its not exactly a class you can blow off or give a minimal effort in. I have stayed caught up with all of my readings this semester which is better than I normally do. I mean I usually get caught up at some point or another but actually staying on top of stuff...not as bad as I imagined!
So I'm sitting at the Starbucks near my house studying (well right now I'm obviously on a break from studying). I can't seem to study very well at home, there are too many things to distract me-like the cats, chores, the tv, my phone, the computer (i.e. facebook)~super difficult for me. I just don't seem to have that same problem when I'm at a Starbucks, even though some of the same temptations are here that are at home. Well, on that note, I should probably get back to it! Happy week to everyone out there in blog world!

No song to leave you with today. Nothing weighing on the mind right now besides school---there just isn't a song for that one at the moment! :)

Liked It!

2011-10-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I filled out my new hire paperwork, did some reading for school, hung out with my BFF's hubby and then hung out with my BFF. Had to go out and get some business casual clothes for my first few weeks at orientation. I also bought my first professional nursing shoes, some prism Dansko's, they are beautiful. I can't wait to break them in...although they better be worth the cost, dammit! So, overall was there anything super special about today~no not really. But it was a good day and I'm ending it pretty happy so I figured I should blog about it.
Now all of the new stuff with a new job to go through-picking out benefits, new hire orientation, etc. I'm excited and nervous at the same time! Can't wait to get going, although sounds like I'll have to do some scheduling conflict resolution with school already. That part is NO BUENO!
Ok short post for today, off to do some more reading and await the arrival of my KJ. Love her!!

"This Life"~Curtis Stigers (Sons of Anarchy Theme Song)

Riding through this world, all alone
God takes your soul; you're on your own
The crow flies straight, a perfect line
On the Devil's back until you die
This life is short, baby that's a fact
Better live it right, you ain't coming back
Gotta raise some Hell before they take you down
Gotta live this life
Gotta look this world in the eye
Gotta live this life 'till you die
You better have soul, nothing less
Cos when it's business time, it's life or death
The King is dead, the light goes on
Don't lose your head when the deal goes down
Better keep your eyes on the road ahead
Gotta live this life
Gotta look this world in the eye
Gotta live this life until you die

What a DAY!

2011-09-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

So, first off, anonymous posted the following on my comments page, "Glad to see another post, but what's up?"
Not sure if you can see that but it says, Glad to see another post, but what's up? Well let's see, if you aren't brave enough to at least leave your name, why should I answer your question? Maybe you're someone I know, maybe you're not, but maybe you're someone who isn't supposed to be reading my blog in the first place. If you want me to answer your questions at the very least, come on, leave a name or something that tells me who you are. But in the good spirit of being a cool chick like I am, what's up, the answer is everything.
Today I took my NCLEX examination, the big exam that tells the state if I'm competent enough to be an RN. In addition to that, I got my job offer to work in labor and delivery at the hospital I was precepting at this summer. That is a BIG day people. Huge enormous big day for me. I am so excited I can't even begin to tell everyone how happy I am. Everything hinges on me finding out whether or not I passed this test. Hopefully if you're reading this you will keep your fingers crossed that I did.
Will post more after I know more, but for now, I'm an L&D nurse! :)
"All That You Are"~Goo Goo Dolls
And I feel,
All the faint morning light,
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life,
And we've gone,
From the edge of our souls,
Made it back to a place we call home.

You, see me through,
I was alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

I feel wrong,
I'm so human and flawed,
I break down even though I'm still strong,
And time, will make fools of us all,
Builds us up, and then laughs when we fall.

You, pull me through,
When I'm alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

You're the sound of redemption,
The faith that I've lost,
The answers I'm seeking no matter the cost,
You opened the window,
Now I can see,
And you taught me forgiveness by giving your love back to me.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

Oh I feel,
All the faint morning light,
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life.

Already?

2011-09-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm posting again already. Be forewarned fair readers, this may be an emotional post. Or not, I'm not quite sure. I have a lot I want to say, but for some reason none of it's coming out the way it normally does. Usually I can put my fingers to the keyboard and just start typing away. But what I want to say and what I should say and how I say what I say....well some of those things just don't add up the way they should. Maybe it's the stress from school, maybe it's the few beers I've had this evening...who knows? LOL.
Nothing to add really too much to what's going on for right now. Except here is a song for right now.
"The Letting Go"~Melissa Etheridge

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I even wanted to be
The closer I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place

Not Quite a Month Yet

2011-09-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting another post in in just under a month this time. Woohoo! I enjoyed my break off from school and have even continued it forward a bit into the semester. I went camping twice, once with mom and once with Michelle, at Grayland and Ft. Flagler respectively. I had a good time both times and it was nice to be out in nature. At Michelle's camp we had the most awesome people friendly squirrels who were entertaining to watch and kept getting into stuff at everyone's campsite. They really terrorized a young couple behind us, which was better than watching reality TV (or we're just that bored while camping that it was). Played a round of golf, which wasn't my strong suit, but hard to tell if one is improving really when you don't go all that frequently (twice this year, YEAH!).
Also just returned from a weekend in Eastern WA watching my good friend John get married. Wedding was beautiful, weather turned out great, reception was a rocking good party, and I ended the night early drunk and put to bed in the yurt (where we later had an after party that I'd like to tell you more about, but hello, read my previous sentence). All I know is that fairly early in the morning, around 530 or so, woke up to four people in the king size bed and two of them went back to their own yurt. Good times obviously when we all have to pass out in one bed.
I take my NCLEX a week from today. I'm both nervous and excited about it. I'm of course nervous because it will be difficult and long and challenging and everything else everyone says about it. I'm also excited to just have it over and done with (assuming of course that I pass and am officially an RN at that point). Still waiting to hear back on my job interview that I had for the RN residency in labor and delivery, but there was an update to that at least (they said it would be a long process). They emailed me last week asking for my references and all four references have completed their portion of the job. Hoping this is of course good news and means I'm moving forward in the process.
So, not a super long blog, but long enough by any means. Off to study, then work tonight, then spending the night at bff's house so I can watch the kiddos tomorrow (since their teachers are still on strike). STUDY STUDY STUDY TIME!!
Today's song, as sung at the wedding (with some wrong lyrics)
"One and Only"~Adele
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taking me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name,
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learnt it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Tired....

2011-08-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

So as my friend Michelle recently learned, I'm something of a party pooper these days. I like to go to bed around this time (10pm and just later) and I like to sleep in (usually until around 9-10am). I know, this is not really conducive to being alive and being part of the world, so on occasion I work on getting up earlier or staying up later trying to compensate for sleeping so much and being out of it so much of the time. Funny thing, you would think with all that sleeping that I would feel well rested and ready to take on the world, but I don't. Isn't that weird?!? Well I think it is.
Spent most of today watching and caring for the children in my life. Started off with my 1 of 2 weekly watching the Hicks kids while mama Tiff goes for her runs (she's a runner girl like that). Then completed the babysitting with my little miss France-y pants and going to the park and going to the store and going to Auntie Meems house! I had a great time today. Ended the day by visiting my twinnie, Sarah, in the hospital and seeing baby Alec for the second day in a row. Lucky enough he had a poopy diaper that his daddy Scott ended up changing. Sometimes it's better to be the Auntie!
Short post, but at least ending with a song today.

Breathe In, Breathe Out-Mat Kearney
Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.

We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.

Look left look right,
To the moon in the night.
&; everything under the stars is in your arms.

Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Did It!!

2011-08-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

Passed classes this semester, finished my 336 hours of clinical preceptorship time and also had an interview for an RN Residency position with labor and delivery. It has been a busy few months, but I'm happy to say that I am now prepared to sit for my NCLEX and become a nurse. Then it's just time to find a job, which hopefully won't be as difficult as everyone thinks it will be. Now to celebrate with having a few weeks off. I'm taking one of our teacher's suggestions and just relaxing as much as possible. This will likely involve some house work that I've been neglecting, such as cleaning the bathrooms and organizing the desk and bookshelves. I've also made it back to the gym which is a great thing AND tonight I'll be playing a soccer game...outdoors of course, in this gorgeous hot weather. Summer sure made a late appearance, but at least it's here now.
Well, short post yet again, but my bff just got home and I think we're going to go have lunch!
Peace out!!

Over a month, really?

2011-08-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Aw fuck it, should I really be surprised. This has got to be my most stressful quarter of school ever, and that's putting it mildly. In addition to working almost 40 hours a week at the hospital along with occasionally being at the hotel for work and then also doing homework and studying....it feels like I've hardly caught a breath. I keep telling myself, only about 1 1/2 more weeks to go and then I'll be better off. Some time between classes will feel really nice after this hellish time frame. Then it's on to the NCLEX and massive studying for that. I know I'll pass, I'm not worried about that, but the testing itself...again stressful.
Super short post tonight, sort of tired and a little wiped out from all that sun today. See ya on the dark side!

Once again my friends and countrymen

2011-06-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

"Lend me your ears and eyes, the showstopper is stupid fresh, when will you be satisfied?" Yeah that's right, I just started off my blog with salt n pepa lyrics. I'm super dope def like that. Once again it's time for late night blogging with Jaime. I know I know, it's not all that late, but close enough. I'm enjoying a few drinks tonight and if I wait until later....well who the hell knows what kind of blog you'll get. Wait, I'm sober right now, and I can't really guarantee what kind of blog you'll get anyway. Let's just face it people, if you have some sort of high brow expectation of a blog post.........you should totally head somewhere else.
Feeling a little inspired this evening, watching Legally Blonde, so how could I not?!?! I saw two deliveries today in L&D, both were c-sections. Sort of a bummer that they weren't vaginal deliveries, but for both of these ladies it had been long hard time of laboring so I'm sure they were excited to be done already. One was a young girl, which I normally would have felt a lot of horror and pity for, however this was the most mature girl of her age that I've met in awhile and she had an excellent support system around her. Her baby was very cute even though it was born asynclitic. For those not in the know, this means that baby's head was slightly sideways and was not inline with the birth canal (which would explain why she had to have a c-section).
So after those two uninspired paragraphs I suddenly developed writers block. Bummer. Ok, so that's all for now folks!

Life & Death

2011-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

No, what I have to say isn't a matter of (life & death that is), but that is what I'm going to talk about. I started my preceptor-ship last week and it's going very well. So far I've been in on about 4 births and have even coached a woman all the way through her labor to delivery. It was freaking awesome, I loved it! This family was waiting to find out the sex of their baby and they found out together. It was a beautiful thing when their baby girl came out and the doctor announced it to both of them and they started crying together. What has been interesting to see so far is that every lady's pregnancy is unique and special to them in different ways, just as their deliveries are too. But with the good also comes the....not as good.
On Sunday I was able to take care of a woman who had to deliver her baby early and it was stillborn. I can't begin to describe to you the range of emotions that went through me as the student nurse working with this family. On the one hand it was hard not to cry and just break down for them in their loss. On the other hand I had to be strong and support them in whatever manner they needed, yet also did not want to seem like I was uncaring for their situation. I hope that the things I was able to do to help this family did in fact help them and that I was able to strike the right balance between professional and feeling. My heart went out to them so much it was all I could do not to take the mom in my arms and just hold her and rock her (it didn't help that she was a petite little doll of a thing that I could probably pick up even if she had been 9 months pregnant).
Even despite the not as fun times I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. Being able to witness miracles of life every day reminds me how precious life is and how brief and short it can all begin or end. It makes me treasure the free time I have outside of school and look forward to the times I get to be at the hospital. I hope I am making a difference in the lives of these families who so often are touching my own life!
No song for today, just leave you with my good wishes and lots of love!

Word of the day~Preceptorship

2011-06-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of questions about my preceptorship for the summer. I can come to the conclusion that this word does not in fact exist since every time I type it in either a document or facebook it inevitably is underlined in red like I've spelled it wrong. The definition of precept is what I've listed above. I'll add to that for my definition of preceptor-ship, it is like a non-paid internship for the summer whereby I am working alongside a nurse 1-1 all summer and learning more and doing more than we have done in previous clinical rotations. I have been lucky enough to be assigned to the Family Birth Center at Tacoma General. I am very happy and excited to see what I will be dealing with this summer and learning more than I have learned already. But let's face it, I'm mostly excited because hello....babies!!! Or as I keep telling people, I will be elbow deep in vag for most of the summer. Ha ha. I start tomorrow, Wednesday, and am greatly looking forward to it. I'm also excited because typically in labor and delivery you get to wear hospital issued scrubs which means....no ugly uncomfortable PLU scrubs for the summer. Woohoo!

We had the first day of summer semester on Monday and so far it looks manageable and like I will do well. I've definitely already put a lot of effort in as I'm 11 out of 14 chapters into one of the books we need to read for the summer. I actually printed stuff out ahead of time and am using my organizer book; which is odd for me to say the least. So some exciting things coming up (not necessarily in any particular order): Kendra's UW Graduation, Devan's 9th Birthday, Will's 39th Birthday, Sarah's Baby Shower, and of course Kerry's 41st Birthday too! It is going to be a very busy summer I can tell already. Enough for now, on to today's song...

"Turning Tables"~Adele

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning, oh

Keeping Up!

2011-06-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

No, not with the Joneses, but at some points today with my best friend Tiffany. Today Tiffany ran her 26.2 miles for a full marathon completed. Sarah (the twinnie) and I traveled out to Port Angeles to support both her and Alyssa (who was running her first 1/2 marathon). We of course did our usual awesome sign making and were glad that we were able to see both of the girls during their runs (we unfortunately missed Alyssa's big finish at about 2 hours 15 minutes). What was awesome was being able to run w/Tiffany during several spots along her race path. We caught her at the beginning of her race, her halfway point, about 20 miles, and then I caught her again around 25.2 miles. Devan and I ran with her at the 20 mile mark and she was feeling pretty tired at that point. I decided while we were waiting at the finish line for her that I would walk further down and run with her towards the finish, a final motivator on that last push of hers towards the full thing being finished. So I kept walking until I came to a bridge and I waited there for her. It was awesome to see my bff running towards me, looking very tired and ready to be done, but still running. I started running alongside her and checking on how she was doing, if she was staying hydrated, and how she was feeling overall. At one point she told me, "If I ever want to do this again, remind me how awful this feels right now and tell me I'm on drugs". LOL. It was pretty hilarious. But she did make it to the end and finished in just under 5 hours, thinking around 4 hrs 55 minutes. I'm very proud of Tiffany, even though sometimes along her training path we all wished the marathon was already over, I know that she worked hard to achieve this and am very proud of her for doing so. She is officially a runner girl and has been since her first 1/2 marathon. She inspires me to work out and push myself harder than I normally would. She is amazing!! I love you Tiffany.

"Suddenly I See"~KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

Complicated

2011-06-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

"Why is everything with you so complicated?" title of this blog post and of course the first line of my post courtesy of Rihanna. That's what is on my mind tonight. I know it's something of a vague title and I'm sure some of you would like me to explain it in detail while others of you are pretty much reading this thinking...why the fuck do you even bother? Yeah, I don't know either. Sometimes I just feel like writing and for the hell of it, I write it to this blog and put it out there for everyone to see/read. But dear reader, lest you think you know me from my posts, what I really want said and what I keep deep down and personal....it's not written this way. Yes I write what I want to when it's dark, deep, or serious....it just goes to someone else and is shared in a much smaller circle. I know, that seems weird for someone who is so open about things, but sometimes only certain people can understand, so I share that with them.
Been in a little bit of a bad mood this evening. All my plans for tomorrow, Thursday, were canceled (for pretty good reasons, but still a bummer) so now I'm at home with the TV, my dog friend Hurley (who I'm dog sitting), the fireplace on and a six pack of Blue Moon's summer seasonal ale. Not a horrible way to spend a Wednesday night, but it's mostly out of annoyance/defeatedness which really sucks. (Yes, I am aware defeatedness isn't a word but you'll just have to roll with it). On top of all of this, I am apparently one of two (out of 17) of my classmates that hasn't yet got their preceptor-ship. So, I'm supposed to start this next week and still have no idea what department, hours, or facility I will be working in...just know that I will be at a multicare facility. ARGH!
Ok, so unrelated to any of these topics, and totally off subject and likely too much information I recently got some new bras. These bras make my boobs look awesome and I love them. Thanks for allowing the interjection of my boob information.
I went running with my best friend today. She did four miles and I got about 2.25 in, but it was awesome to be out there in the sun with her. We got our runs in right before the rain came back and killed the awesome weather. She is running her FULL MARATHON this weekend and I know she will do awesome. Twinnie and I will be there to support her with our home made posters like usual. Can't wait!!

Ok, not much else to update with, so song for tonight...

One and Only ~ Adele
"One And Only"

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Lunest....zzzzzz

2011-05-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

See, I'd like to finish that blog title up there. But my medication (Lunesta) for sleep is making me so damn tired during the day that I can barely function. Turns out getting a good nights sleep is much harder than they make it sound like it should be. Fucking sheep, they never help. Sometimes alcohol works...but we all know that's not a good path for me to be taking. I've gone to the gym, I've quieted the house for time before, I've attempted nothing but sleeping in bed....all to no avail. SUPER LAME is what I say to that. So, I'm going off this medication since it's only helping 1/2 the problem and totally creating another one altogether that I'd like to not have. Hello doctor lady, it's hard enough for me to be up during the day as it is. If I'm passing out by about 8pm then what is the point of wanting to be a night nurse. That won't work!
So, tomorrow is my last final and it's in OB. I should do pretty well on this one as it's my area of interest and I actually pay attention really well in this class. However, it is the last final and my brain is immensely fried from the previous two that I've already taken. UGH! But like I've said before, I am so glad this semester is done. Still waiting of course to hear about my preceptorship, but just trying to be patient on that one. Ok, no song today, my favorites are still in my head!
Happy Wednesday people.

Much Needed

2011-05-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Well I'm into finals week finally. Can't believe this semester is finally over. It has felt like it has taken forever. I really feel like I enjoyed quarters at UW much better than I am enjoying semesters at PLU. Semesters just take to frigging long people, seriously. Oh well, finals are done by Thursday so I am almost there. It's also my birthday week which means barbecue on Saturday. I was hoping to get my new tattoos prior to the BBQ but my artist is booked up (plus there is a cash shortage at the moment), so I will have to put that on hold for now. Also, if I'm starting my preceptor-ship soon, I'd rather not go into it with any kind of a deficit (which is how some hospitals are viewing tattoos these days). Bummer!
I am still waiting to hear where I will be interning for the summer. We've been told we might not know until just before the semester starts, which really sucks. Sort of hard to plan for anything when you don't know what your schedule might be and you have no idea when you'll be "working" or not. About half of our class already knows which just makes me more anxious to find out where I am going to be. I'm fairly certain I did NOT get St. Joe's labor and delivery as the Franciscan positions have already been announced-which really bums me out. But I've decided to take the positive approach which is that I will end up wherever I am meant to be. I guess wherever I end up just might need my skills and will increase my education all that much more.
I sang for the first time ever on stage this weekend. My friend, Megan, played guitar while I sang (into a microphone no less) for the first time ever and did really well. I was even complimented more than once, despite having started off somewhat shakey and extremely nervous. So with that in mind, the next song I'd like to sing is this one...I can even change the lyrics to a female/male persuasion if I'd like to....LOL
Beth~Kiss
Beth, I hear you callin'
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playin'
And we just can't find the sound

Just a few more hours
And I'll be right home to you
I think I hear them callin'
Oh, Beth what can I do
Beth what can I do

You say you feel so empty
That our house just ain't a home
And I'm always somewhere else
And you're always there alone

Just a few more hours
And I'll be right home to you
I think I hear them callin'
Oh, Beth what can I do
Beth what can I do

Beth, I know you're lonely
And I hope you'll be alright
'Cause me and the boys will be playin'
All night

May is National Mental Health Month!

2011-05-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

It also happens to be my birthday month. I don't think these two things are unrelated, go figure! And while I'm posting this blog from my spot in Tiffany's Starbucks I am listening to the song "Madness" by Alanis Morissette (don't worry dear readers, I will post the lyrics below, even though I'm sure I've posted this song before). I'm working on a mental health assignment for school and it has me thinking; a dangerous past time I know. There is a lot of stigma still around the diagnosis of mental health issues. Two of the most common ones, anxiety and depression, are ones that most people suffer from (at the very least on a temporary basis). So, in honor of NMHM (yup just made that up) I am going to just own and claim it on here. I suffer from major depressive disorder. Not blues, not seasonal depression, not minor life transitional depression but full on MDD. Now claiming this on my blog might not be revolutionary for some of you, you likely already know that I have this problem. Did you also know that I suffer from sleep disorders, namely insomnia and night terrors? Most of you may have guessed this from my super late night/early morning posts when the insomnia is really bad, but it is a full on diagnosis at this point. My hope though in sharing this is that maybe some people can get help with their own issues. I know amongst my group of friends: an alcoholic, an anxiety ridden mom, someone with OCD, and someone who I am pretty sure is undiagnosed bi-polar (hell that almost could be me). Maybe if there was not a stigma associated with mental illness more people would seek treatment. I don't mean magic pill treatment, but even just counseling and recognition of their problem. I know, it's a lofty goal, but hey~always something to work towards right?

On another note, my diagnosis of chondromalacia (otherwise known as runner's knee) has kept me out of soccer for a few weeks. I am going to try playing again sometime soon, maybe even this week. People do not understand how much I NEED that soccer game every week. It's almost like my lifeline....well that along with the blazing onion trip afterwards which I find very catharctic most of the time. Ok, time to go back to studying (luckily being a decent writer means I didn't waste a whole lot of time posting this blog).

"Madness"~Alanis Morissette
I've been most unwilling
To see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this
Has me paralyzed

With this prolonged exposure
To near and averted eyes
I think that I've been waiting
Such mileage for empathizing

Now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
Though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

It's been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified
And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
Though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

I'd have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You, inadvertent hero
You, angel in disguise

And now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
And though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

Great Divide

2011-04-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like my personality is straddling a river. On the one side of the river I am a somewhat logical rational person who really likes to KNOW and understand things. On the other side of the river I am this person who is emotional and relies on my intuition to guide me through a lot of things. The river is this constant flow of people, places, things, situations that flows by me and half the time it ebbs and flows into the emotional side and sometimes it goes into the rational side. Now which side of the river these things go to, it determines a lot for me. But the problem with being me and straddling this river is that the emotional side wants to ignore the rational side, and the rational side that can intellectualize its way out of a tricky situation tends to over-emotionalize everything. Yes I know over-emotionalize is not a word, but you get the idea.
So I have people in my life who are what I like to call "trouble" for me. People who kick start that emotional size and make it completely take over the rational part of me. I try to reign that in for the most part as it doesn't make for a comfortable living situation for me. Sometimes though I just cannot make those two sides come together and agree for the life of me.
Ok short post, worried my grammar will continue to get worse (along with my spelling) as I get more tired. Night world!

Only a song today...

2011-04-27T11:35:00.001-07:00

Somewhere Only We Know

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

Month, yet again.

2011-04-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

Been a little over a month since my last post. Usually this would mean that I just didn't think there was much to be said OR there was just too much going on so I wasn't able to post. That wasn't the case this time around. There was a lot going on, I had plenty I wanted to say but just...didn't. You see, after awhile, I find I've extended myself so far into others, out of myself, that suddenly I find myself in a nightmare of a time that feels like I will never get out of. I eventually do of course, I'm too resilient to not do so~that's just not Jaime. So, those of you that know the truth, you stick by me, and I love you through all of it. I know you feel the same way about me, even when I'm crazy wild silly goofy and my usual scatter brained self.
Four more weeks of classes left, then one week off until summer semester. I can't wait for summer! We are doing our preceptor-ship and I couldn't be more excited. Classes are only on Mondays and there are only two of them. Then the rest of the time we spend working one on one with a nurse and learning from them. I picked my specialties as my top areas of interest: Labor & Delivery, NICU, and finally ER. I know, this may come as a shock for some of you who have known me to be strictly NICU focused for more than a year and a half. But I had the best time in labor and delivery (in case you didn't read my earlier posts). I found that yes, I still LOVE babies, but I also like being with the mommies and families who are having the babies. I have been talking a lot with my instructor about this whole journey and am even more excited to start.
Also, my birthday is next month, going to be 33 years old already. My how time flies. Ok short post, but stuff to do.

Today's Song:
Pills~Sarah McLachlan & Perishers

"I hope my smile can distract you

I hope my fists can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love can blind you
I hope my arms can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think we’re alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We’re not okay

One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay

One may think we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground with every passing day
We’re not okay

But that’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
One thing I would never say to you
That’s one thing I would never
One thing I would never
That's one thing I would never say to you"

It's the Circle of Life!!

2011-03-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

So, it's not the Lion King, and that's not me singing up above (although it easily could be with a few beers and a karaoke machine), but I had THE BEST DAY IN LABOR AND DELIVERY today that I could possibly have. Now you may think that I am a super stupid retard, but let me explain before you pass judgment. Today was my last day in L&D at Madigan (tomorrow my carpool/class BFF Jodi and I are in L&D at St. Joseph's Hospital in Tacoma). Now, I ended up in triage, which of course does not sound like it would be that exciting. Mostly it's pregnant moms in various stages of their pregnancy who have a complication or something else that makes them need to be monitored (i.e. the flu, pre-eclampsia, pre-term labor, etc). So I spent a lot of time hooking up pregnant moms to the fetal heart rate monitor, which for a normal person is probably really boring and not that exciting, but for ME-hooking up those moms and hearing that baby heart beat-it was the best sound in the world today! To top this off, my C-section mom that I took care of last week was in today to have her staples removed (which was awesome because I got to see Dad, big sister, Mom, and baby again). I talked with her briefly before heading out to get more linens for the triage area. On my way out and back in, I ran into my Mom from last week whom I blogged about, the one who reminded me of ME and had the larger baby with the 4th degree laceration. She HUGGED me, and I immediately asked if it was ok for me to pick baby up and hold him and she said, "Of course it is". I picked him up and rocked him in my arms, holding him and loving him like I do, while I talked to mom and escorted her back to triage. Turns out she was there to have her laceration and repair examined by the doctor, which I got to be there for and observe and was fairly interesting in itself. I had a very long conversation with Mom and it was so nice to hear that she said, "You were the best thing of my labor experience, you were so calm and answered all my questions and were so nice"...seriously the best feeling ever! And then to have her tell my teacher that "for what it's worth you should totally pass her" is really cool (although somewhat awkward since my teacher of course will pass me if I do well in class). Ha ha. But really, being able to see two patients in a row whom I started with during their deliveries and then being able to see them again after the fact...so awesome. I know most people won't understand that, but those of you that know me best...you will totally get it!!
Song for the day, well no song for today I think, just the best day of clinical experience so far...even after two days with my favorite Mom!
I am SO BLESSED!
THANK YOU GOD!!!

MAMA, I'm coming Home!

2011-03-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

My TWINNIE is coming home, Friday, as in this Friday! Ok, now I know, I shouldn't be so excited that Japan had a tsunami and there is tons of devastation and not cool stuff going on over there. But I'm very glad that Sarah & Evan are coming home; and hopefully soon also Scott. I am beyond happiness to have the rest of my "family" home with me and close to where I can get to them. Sorry Sarah, but it's totally true, that's all the mooshy you get out of me for now.

On another note, labor and delivery was pretty stale today. Really busy with plenty of moms getting admitted for delivery, but no babies born while I was there. Very sad stuff. I did at least get to help with plenty of stuff though and the nurse I was working with quizzed on me on fetal heart rates for about 45 minutes prior to even SEEING my patient that I worked with.

Ok no song, kinda late and I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. Go team!!

What Did Caesar have to do with it?

2011-03-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my first day in labor and delivery, and although it was fairly slow as far as L&D can go, I did get to witness a C-section straight off the bat. I do have to say, EWWW, fairly gross cause of course it's an operating room procedure and those are not my favorites, but of course I got to see that baby be born and then was with her for the first 20 minutes of her life. I also got to play photographer for the family and take pictures in the OR of baby with Daddy and baby with Mom & Dad. That part was awesome~especially since Dad had this really nice camera! What was not awesome was learning that sometimes staying silent...is not the best thing in the world. Our patient, right before transferring her to post partum (or as I've called it on here before, mother-baby unit), the nurse expressed what seemed to me to be a really large clot [It gets graphic a bit here folks so read on only if you are not faint of heart]. Now it is of course normal for a woman to bleed after delivering a baby, even with a C-section, the uterus is going through the process of involution, which is returning it to its normal pre-pregnancy state, however they shouldn't be having big clots. Now my nurse questioned the other nurse about whether or not we should transfer her and the other nurse said she'd just let them know on the other side. I later found out that she of course did not let them know once they transferred. Right after I finished a lengthy conversation with my instructor about what I had seen with this patient and questioning what they were doing with her, I returned to L&D only to hear them call a hemorrhage on this patient and have everyone rush over to her over in MBU. It was crazy, and I came right after them, adrenaline pumping in this weird way. Of course being a teaching hospital there were way too many people present in her little room, but I tracked down baby in another room with her visiting family. My patient ultimately ended up back in L&D where there is more one on one care (1 nurse to 1 patient). Ultimately I'm not certain what will end up happening with this patient, but overall it was pretty scary. Through it all, I was able to work with baby, Dad, and the 2 1/2 year old sister. I still think this is definitely the right career move for me and I look forward to every experience it brings.

And because I've had this song in my head since last night, it wins the blog song of today's post:
"How To Save A Life"~The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God, he hears you
And pray to God, he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life

So, Tiff Did It, Me Too!

2011-03-10T23:10:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows I will usually do something Tiffany does, without question, usually without even a forethought to whether or not I should be doing it or not! So, in true follower style:

(A) Age:  32

(B) Bed Size:  Queen, but wouldn't matter the size, I always sleep on the edge...

(C) Chore You Hate:  Dishes, eck

(D) Dogs?:  Had one, still want one someday, but not during school and not until I can feel less guilty towards them being left alone...

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item:  Caffeine and plenty of sleep

(F) Favorite Color:  Pink & Blue

(G) Gold or Silver? How about white gold? Ok, No? How about silver then.

(H) Height: Too freaking tall. 5'11 3/4"

(I) Instruments You Play:  My vocal chords typically....but someday I hope to play piano.

(J) Job Title: Student

(K) Kids: Someday I hope to have some of my own

(L) Live: Puyallup

(M) Mom's Name: Jodie

(N) Nicknames: James, Liver, Jaim-Dogg,

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Lap-Band in, Lap-Band out, Appendectomy with adhesion removals...yeah the list goes on and on and on....

(P) Pet Peeve: Random repeating irritating noises...

(Q) Quote from a Movie:  Wow I have to pick just one? Um, "Sometimes I pray for a love that even time will lie down and be still for" ---since it's on my facebook page.

(R) Right or Left Handed? Give it up for right handed

(S) Siblings: Laurie biological sister. Tiffany-adopted sister.

(T) Time You Wake Up? As late as I possibly can.

(U) Underwear: Yes, mostly, depends on the activity of course! I do not recommend boy shorts for soccer.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike:  Tomatoes, which is technically a fruit I know, but still. Slimy and disgusting, yeck!

(W) What Makes You Run Late:  Ha ha, myself?!?

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done:  Oh geez, too many to count. Comes with being accident prone. How about: ankle, chest, head, neck, spine, abdomen, and that's not including CT scan's...

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Hmm, I'm going to go with my baking skills and say chocolate chip cookies.

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: I hate zoos, I hate seeing animals caged up, I prefer them where God wanted them to be....out in the open wild.

Mother-Baby Unit=Awesome

2011-03-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

Well I've completed my few days of my obstetrics rotation in the Mother Baby unit. I have to tell you, it was fantastic! Jodi, my classmate and cohort in crime, she actually said I was glowing. That's a high compliment considering I am the palest chick ever and typically during our school stuff I am constantly telling her how not smart I am. I got to care for the same mom and baby couplet on Tuesday and could not have been more excited to work with them. I was able to be present during a very scary situation for this first time mom. Just before I was ready to be observed by my instructor for my newborn assessment I realized that my mom's room was out of medium sized gloves. So I went to get some gloves and when I came back I heard my mom call out, "Tami?" which is the name of the nurse I was assisting that was actually assigned to her. I told her no, that it was me, and she said, "can you please come help me right away?". I immediately went into her area only to find her standing over baby's crib with baby turned to one side and the bulb syringe in her hand (for those of you who don't know what a bulb syringe looks like, it's the thing that people use to suck out baby's boogers). Turns out baby was coughing/spitting up mucous, which is normal in the first 48 hours of life, as well as the colostrum that he had already partially ingested earlier that day (colostrum is the pre-cursor to a woman's breast milk coming into her breasts). I picked baby up and immediately put him over my shoulder as mom watched nervously on, concerned that her baby was choking or somehow being injured. I reassured her as best I could that he was just fine, he was still breathing and getting air as was apparent by his pink skin tone and lusty breaths he was taking. My instructor was nearby and I had her confirm with me what I had found and mom started crying, as any first time mom might, absolutely scared and terrified at what her baby is doing and worried about the time when she would be going home with baby alone. I comforted her as best I could and reassured her that she had already done the right thing, trying to boost her confidence as best I could to assure her that she would do just fine with this new and exciting world of parenting. The best part of the next few hours I spent with her and her family, as well as baby, were reassuring her of her abilities and AGAIN getting baby to latch effectively onto the breast for breastfeeding. She had not done this since I had been there the previous day (she had been pumping and bottle feeding baby the breast milk), so I felt very proud of my skills in assisting with her breastfeeding. By the end of the night when I had to say my goodbyes mom was asking if I could just come move in with her for a few weeks until Dad comes home from deployment. I told her absolutely, because of course who wouldn't want to be the expert on something and help people?!?!? Not me obviously. But it was bittersweet to say goodbye and I truly wish her all the best with her new role as Mom.

People, this was an absolutely beautiful experience for me. It may in fact be where I end up in nursing, who knows, but I am definitely leaving the option open. I am excited for labor and delivery and to see the miracle of birth as it happens (well aside from watching Tiffany and my sister, hello ladies!). I feel so blessed to be a part of these families lives as they welcome a new life into the world and reminded of just how awesome a presence God is in all of this. If anything in this world can be proven to show that we have a creator in this world it is the process of conception, pregnancy, and giving birth. Okay, sorry everyone for waxing somewhat nostalgic there. I truly hope this is something I get to experience in my life.

Another thing I was able to experience yesterday was the MOM's group. This is a weekly meeting on Tuesdays where new moms can bring babies to be weighed, consult with lactation, and discuss any issues with the pediatrician that is available. I lucked out as I immediately was able to assist a mother of twins with caring for the male infant while she was changing and comforting the female infant, who had had a major blowout in her diaper. I picked baby up, cradled him against my chest with the binky in his mouth, and rocked him back and forth as I sang to him. I am slightly embarrassed to say that Jodi in fact witnessed me singing to him, which I did not realize until today, but she said my voice was pretty as I sang, "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can barely breathe".....did I mention again how much I love babies and children?!?! Anyway, yet again this was a time when I was "glowing". I also got caught making goo goo faces at another baby that was there, which of course makes me feel silly.

Long post, so time to end with a song. It's another one I sing to Frances before bed, although now she tells me (if I try to hum any of it) that I need to keep singing. Smart kid that one.
"Down to the River to Pray"~Allison Krauss
As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way!

O sisters let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O sisters let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe & crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O brothers let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
Come on brothers, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O fathers let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O fathers let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O mothers let's go down
Come on down, don't you wanna go down?
Come on mothers, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studding about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O sinners, let's go down
Let's go down, come on down
O sinners, let's go down
Down in the river to pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

Good Day

2011-03-07T23:28:00.003-08:00

I post a lot of depressing stuff here sometimes, I admit it....hey people when you are sarcastic and depressed sometimes that is what you have to post about. But today, today was a good day and I wanted to capture and remember it. Was it the most particular fantastic thing that could have happened today...NO...but it was just overall a decent day. It was my long day today for the OB rotation, 12 hours from start to finish. I started off my day with two of my favorite classmates and I tagging along with the lactation consultant out at Madigan. She did a great job, and although it was a very rare slow day, we were able to ask her a lot of questions and I feel personally like I learned some great things from her. After a brief break we began our time on the mother-baby unit and I was super happy with the couplet that I was assigned to. A couplet refers to caring for the mother and baby as a pair (since I know some of you will not have heard that term before I thought I'd tell you what it meant). This mother was a 38 year old first time mother who thought she'd never be able to have kids. She married late in life and found the spouse she'd been looking for and after much trying and some issues/setbacks she did conceive and I got to see the beautiful positive proof of that today at the hospital. Now this baby boy was beautiful with a full head of dark hair and gorgeous skin...he also happened to be the biggest baby I've seen born yet, 11 lbs. 9 oz. Poor mom delivered him vaginally and she ended up with a 4th degree laceration. I'll spare you the scary and horrific details but needless to say she's going to be doing some recovery time after this delivery. The highlight of my day was being able to allay this woman's fears related to breastfeeding AND spending enough time with her I was able, with the assistance of my instructor, to help her and baby boy together for the first latch and basically her first successful breastfeeding. I couldn't have been more excited! I know this may not seem like the most awesome thing to some of you, but trust me if you had been there....you would have understood what a success this is for a new mom to achieve. I am so happy and proud that I was able to be a part of that.

Now on another note, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, a lot of questioning both of myself and others. I will spare you all the super boring details but needless to say I've started making some changes in my life...well mostly in the last 24 hours. One physical change is that I started a new eating and workout plan, courtesy of my super healthy BFF Tiffany. She's thinking she might want to do nutrition/fitness/something...with her next career path so I guess you could say I am technically going to be her first client. One not so physical change that I have also done, well some of you won't really understand or believe it, but I asked for forgiveness....with true feelings of regret, sadness, and sorrow over things that I have done I prayed for forgiveness. Just one more step in the process of growing and changing and being the person I know I am and want to be.

On that note, my song for tonight is Mumford & Sons, of course. "Awake My Soul"
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

No Apologies!

2011-03-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

I used to say this phrase to myself quite a bit, then I modified it to really be something more along the lines of no regrets. I'm not the type of person to dwell on a decision for a long time before I make it; afterwards, yes, but beforehand there is not always a lot of forethought. Does this lead me into some trouble spots? Well of course it does dear readers otherwise I would not be blogging about it now would I.
I tend to be the type of person who cares easily for others and not very well for myself. I am great at throwing myself into someone else's problems, their life, their whole being....and completely miss the fact that inside of my own body there is a WAR raging that will not be soothed without some effort on my part. Sometimes I think that I do this on purpose, after all its much easier to dispense advice than to listen to ones own and try to follow it. For me, it's also always been easier to care about another person than to care about myself. Subconsciously perhaps, but maybe this is because deep down I don't think I'm worth caring about?!? Just throwing some self-therapy out at you, no need to be alarmed. Do I change that? Well I like to think that I can, and I try from time to time, taking care of myself that is. It seems so simple, yet to someone who sucks at it, it might as well be my own personal Mt. Everest.
Related to this very issue is another thing that was brought to my attention, again, recently. I care TOO much, if such a thing is possible. This is often told/suggested to me in the context of me thinking too deeply, being too emotional, and/or treading somewhere that I was not wanted. So then I wonder, and ponder, and wonder some more....can someone learn to care less? And if they can, is this necessarily a good thing, or is the world in general not balanced by people like me caring too much against those in the world who care too little?!?! I refuse to think, that of all the possible things in life to worry about, me caring too much about people is really a bad thing. It also seems to be an inherent part of my nature, and in so being, I refuse to apologize for that. There is nothing wrong with being me, aside from choosing people in my life who often don't care about me as much as I do about them. If that is the worst thing that comes from it, along with me sometimes having my feelings hurt, I really don't think I need a 12 step program to work over/through it. There is much more I would like to say (isn't there usually?), but in the interest of maintaining some brevity...I will end on this note.
On Saturday I get to attend a birth class and birthing inn tour for my OB class. Although not the most exciting of things, I am looking forward to this experience. Who knows, maybe it will benefit me in the not too far future.
Not related to this post whatsoever, but it was the last song I just listened to....
"Skin"~Rihanna
The mood is set,
So you already know what's next.
TV on blast,
Turn it down,
Turn it down.
Don't want it to clash,
With my body screaming now.
I know you hearin' it,
You got me moaning now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, oh.
I got a secret imma drop em to the floor, oh.

[Hook:]
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

[Chorus:]
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

[Verse 2:]
Almost there,
So baby don't stop what you're doing.
Softer than them others
Boy I know you wanna touch.
Breathing down my neck,
I can tell ya wanna -
And now you want it like,
Want you to feel it now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, ou.
I got a secret Imma drop em to the floor, ou.

[Hook:]
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

[Chorus:]
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

[Chorus 2:]
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

[Bridge:]
All in baby,
Don't hold nothing back.
Wanna take control,
Nothing wrong with that.
Say you liking how I feel,
Ain't gotta tell me that.
Just put your skin baby on my skin.

[Chorus 2:]
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in
All I wanna see you in is your skin, oh.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2011-02-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that title up there, it's me singing the lyrics to a song. If you didn't get that...well who knows why you are even here reading my blog. I'm a lyric crazy singing girl, it's what I do, it's who I am....moving on! So I realize I've posted about changes before, but in some ways this is more about the opposite of that. Sometimes I think, or at least in recent time frames it has seemed, that even though we may change-the people around us cannot accept nor acknowledge that we have changed in any way. Yet at the same time, those around us that make changes they want to be acknowledged for, I do that, I give them the reinforcement they need. Yet amazingly enough reciprocation is apparently something that is not expected or given from some of these people. So I guess to some degree, no matter how many positive strides I make in life or how I grow into a better person, will never been seen by these people. I will still be a huddling mass bundle of emotions, fickle in my affection, and never content to settle on any one thing (or in other words, at least somewhat below the age of 21).

Onto another matter, spring semester of my nursing school has commenced. So far it is going to be overwhelming, very busy, and very challenging. But, I can't help thinking, I'm only 8 months away from getting my license as an RN. This semester I get to work in OB, Labor & Delivery, community health, and my second rotation of medical-surgical (or as we call it Med/Surg). I like my teachers that I have this semester, one of whom is a repeat who was very helpful to me when I was struggling, so that is a great thing. Sometime this semester we also get to start working on getting our preceptorships for the summer. This is basically an internship of sorts, where we work side by side with a nurse all summer; hopefully in the field of our choosing. My first choice for work still remains, at this point, the NICU, so I will work hard to get my preceptor at either MAMC or Mary Bridge (which are the two choices we have down here for level 3 NICU's). If I can't get NICU I will likely try to get one of my favorite clinical instructors who works down in Olympia. She works in neuro which is not a main interest of mine, however this instructor will make sure I learn a lot and that's better than being stuck somewhere. I also greatly enjoy this person on a personal level so that helps quite a bit!

Time to get back to studying, the song to leave you with today is The Cave by Mumford & Sons
"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

201!!!!

2011-01-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

When I logged in to blog today I realized there was actually a tally of how many posts I've had to this blog. This one makes my 201st post. I feel like I should make this a happy go lucky positive post, but stuff was rough this week so I'm going to go ahead and "keep it real" as it were. Today was one of the hardest weeks I have had since being at school. It really shouldn't have been per se, didn't start off bad nor did I have anything specific happen that really ruined it or anything. However, it was the start of my pediatrics rotation, which I have so been looking forward to (and I mean on the floor in the hospital pediatrics). After everything I experience and went through with kids this week I have learned a few things: 1) I empathize with the kids too much so trying to do procedures on them or anything invasive is way too hard for me 2) From a nursing perspective I really like kids under 1 1/2 and over age 6-under 1 1/2 has a short memory and can't still be angry at you for what's going on and over 6 they can understand what's happening and you have slightly more reasoning power with them and 3) Although I've been really thinking I would be a pediatric nurse it turns out....I am likely not going to be. Mostly for the reasons I just listed. I LOVED my NICU rotation, really loved it.

I had the opportunity to participate in mock throughputs at the new hospital opening in Enumclaw too. For that exercise I was able to be "pregnant" twice and have two different types of deliveries. One was a regular delivery no complications. For the other one there were massive complications, had to be given oxygen, had to have the "doctor" simulate riding on the bed with me down to the OR where I was "put under" general anesthesia and then delivered a healthy baby. So a few things occur to me during this volunteer exercise, one of which was not a surprise. First, I love babies, have always loved them, have a way with them, can get them to sleep when others cannot and just generally I totally GET them (even though some would argue there is not much to get). Secondly, being in this whole mock pregnancy/birth thing made me a little sad and nostalgic that I do not yet have my own kids. I mean here I am role playing with the nurse and she's asking me about my baby and what the sex is and what name I've picked out (and NO, I won't tell you what I told her the names were so do not ask me), and actually feeling....bereft if that's the right word. Hard to explain in words and some of you won't get it anyway, so I'll just leave it at that.

So, switching topics/gears if you will, so come along with me for the next journey. I had my heart broken this week. I know this seems weird coming from me, but here it is, I'll lay it out for you. Someone I think very highly of and have come to know pretty well (or at least I think I know this person pretty well). Well amazingly enough this person did something I do not really like nor do I approve of. Okay I know you're thinking, well it isn't my place to judge or to make any other extraneous assumptions about another person--which is absolutely true. But part of my coming to know this person and liking them and really caring for them has to do with me seeing them as sticking to what they believe in, and really living what it is they say they believe in. So they make a few choices, they fall perhaps from the pedestal I put them on, not really their fault (to a certain degree) and there it is my heart ends up broken. Amazingly enough, with GOOD communication all things such as this can be fixed; but usually have to go through the difficult kind of fighting period to get there. And even then, people we love and care about will make choices we do not agree with and have no control over, so giving in to our emotions about it really only hurts ourselves (or myself I guess I should say). So my song for tonight will go out to this person, they know who they are, love you...

"In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man"~ Alanis Morissette

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with
You, never hotter than with armor spent

When you do what you do to provide
How you land in the soft as you fortify

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You with your new kind of heroism

And I bow and I bow down to you
To the grace that it takes to melt on through

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met
You the stealth setter of new precedents

And I vow and I vow to be true
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage

This is in praise of the vulnerable man
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

Lyric Randomness

2011-01-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

So, I was thinking I wanted to post tonight, however upon logging into my dashboard and opening up a new post, all that came to mind were many snippets of lyrics to songs I like. So because that seemed to be what needed to be put out on paper (or digital paper as the case may be), I am just putting out random lyrics from wherever, whatever, and whenever they happen to appear in a song. I'm not crediting artists, just putting it out there people. Looking forward to a great Sunday tomorrow. xoxoxo

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone. Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

I can't tell you what it really is.
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now, it's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight.

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

So much, so young, I faced on my own
Walls I built up, became my own
I’m strong and I’m sure there is a fire in us
Sweet love so pure

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

A Blink...

2011-01-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

I originally wrote this blog post Tuesday night, but for some reason when I was posting my song lyrics at the end...the whole thing deleted out and I was so pissed at that point that I just never attempted to re-write it. Now the original post was somewhat profound, at least for the types of things I have to say, and I will try to re-create that to some extent, so bear with me.
A blink of an eye..sometimes that's really as long as life seems right? Or at least that's the metaphor we like to use to describe our short, sometimes bleak, existence here on earth. But what if your life really did change in the blink of an eye, perhaps not even for the better. The NICU baby I cared for last week and this week (on Tuesday) seemed a bit worse for the wear when I came into the NICU on Tuesday morning. Around 730 she was already awake (even with her little cpap breathing machine on) and the RN I was working with decided that we would start doing care for her (vital signs, diaper change, giving her a break from her mask, etc). So all of the NICU babies are hooked up to various alarms/sensors that go off whether a number is too low and sometimes because it is too high. So when the alarm started going off I had already been somewhat trained to look at it briefly but move on, knowing that their fragile little systems frequently set off the alarms but then right themselves. But this time it didn't, it kept going off, as the RN and I carefully positioned the baby and she was rubbing her back. The monitor indicated her heart was not beating and she was not breathing and it seemed like....well it felt like forever. I stopped breathing right along with her, wondering if perhaps mistakenly as the nursing student this was not as dire as it seemed to me in that moment. Less than a minute passed before she took another breath and the monitors shut off, but still her body was pale and not pink as it lay before me. I looked to the RN for re-assurance that I was crazy and had imagined how bad it was as she said to me, "We almost lost her there for a minute." Oh my God, we had really?!?! And like that, all I could think was how precious this life was that almost blinked out of existence. It did not matter to me that I worry about what her home life will be when she survives, or how stupid her parents are, or how it is somewhat her mom's fault that she was born pre-mature...all that mattered was that she lived and still has her life before her. And given all of those events, can I do anything less than live my life to the fullest knowing and seeing how short it can be?!?
I later had to witness other distressing things on this baby like an IV poke to her head and a cardiogram to check her heart. I can't help but pray for her to pull through and to not have any long lasting effects from this inauspicious start to her life. The next day I was in the well child clinic where I stuck babies/kids/older children with needles all day long as I was giving immunizations. That did not bother me. What got to me truly, was the newborns (less than a month old) who have to have their PKU tests. Those of you with kids likely know this as the foot pricking, however now they don't do it this way. They start a line in the child's hand/wrist and let the blood flow out from there to fill up the five little required circles. Apparently this is the less traumatic of the two options, although it hardly seemed that way to me at the time. After my three different attempts on the babies that did not work out, I have to wonder if I'll be cut out for giving IV's to kids. But I have faith and hope that I will get better and will do that job with MUCH compassion, tenderness, and love. This route through school and nursing has taught me nothing if not that it is the right thing for me to be doing and where I will truly shine. My song goes out to my little NICU baby and also in honor of my niece Frances whom I sing it to all the time...

"Go To Sleep Little Baby"

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

your momma's gone away and your daddy's gonna stay
didn't leave nobody but the baby

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn
didn't leave nobody but the baby

you're a sweet little babe
you're a sweet little babe

honey in the rock and the sugar don't stop
gonna bring a bottle to the baby

don't you weep pretty babe
don't you weep pretty babe

she's long gone with her red shoes on
gonna need another loving babe

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

you and me and the devil makes three
don't need no other lovin' babe

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

come lay bones on the alabaster stones
and be my everlovin baby

Deep~Maybe too Deep

2011-01-17T18:10:00.001-08:00

Okay knowing me, you likely will all think the title is going to be about something sexual, however it is not, so please do not get your hopes up. As evidenced by my last blog title, and perhaps alluded to with this blog title, I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Sometimes too much I am sure, as I am likely to do in almost any given situation. Give me something completely simple and I'm pretty sure I can make it into the most complex thing you have ever heard of in your life AND I'll have you believing the way I think about it too. It's a gift...for what I do not know, but anyway, I digress. So I was hanging out with a friend the other day, now this friend is admittedly more religious than I am and has lead what can only be described as a completely different life than I have. We got into a discussion about some things (like pre-marital sex, adultery, getting drunk, etc) and an interesting concept emerged (at least for me, it was not so much for him). I've always felt that God knows about the things we do, he understands these things right, we were made in his image....etc. So in my mind, the things we do and are ultimately forgiven and are not that horrible of things (well except for something like say murder). Now this friend of mine, he denies himself many things in life because he is trying to live what is the best most righteous path he can lead. So the interesting part took place when I considered this in reference to my own life. I make NO evaluative judgment on how he is living his life or how anyone else chooses to live theirs, so please do not mistake my very over-simplified explanation of this story as such. Now, as most of you know, I am a fairly hedonistic person (for those not in the know this is the idea that pleasure is the only intrinsic good). Now I am not quite that black and white, but yeah if it feels good, I'm probably gonna do it, consequences be damned. So....long way back to the point here.
I started to wonder what things might be different in my life if I had ever stopped at one of these points and said...no, I'm not going to do this because there is something better for me? Or if I had ever once considered holding out on the short term goal because the long term goal was so much better and brighter. I mean take my weight loss for instance; I enjoy food (who the hell doesn't really?), but if I was able to fore-go the immediate pleasure of eating something now for the ultimate goal/pleasure of meeting my goal weight/looking how I want/etc...what might that feel like? How might my life be different if I decided to do this more often. So, from this spiritual crisis (I won't get into all the details with you), I think I've come to a new place on many topics/areas in my life. I'm hoping this will be a more positive and happy change for me when it comes to making my goals happen. At the very least, I know it's not going to be worse than anything else I've been doing....right?!?!

"Start a Fire" ~Ryan Star

I remember when you said your father's asleep
I remember swimming as our clothes drifted off to sea.

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

I remember drinking as the stars were falling,
I remember dancing on the hotel's unmade bed.

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

Taking chances in the back of your car,
We burn and on my radio is "Rockin' in a Free World,
S.O.S.
So obsessed,
Oh you make me such a mess,
Why can't this just last forever, why, why, why?

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!

Thinking thinking think...

2011-01-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

Funny title right? This is what Frances says when you ask her where something is or a question she does not know the answer to. It's hilarious actually and I just thought of it while I was getting ready to post. You may be asking yourself, what is so exciting in my life that I have to post about and the answer is.......wait for it.....NOTHING!! I just felt like writing, so here you go dear blog readers, I am writing. It's what I do, if you don't know that by now...fuck off. LOL. Ok sorry, feeling a little sassy this evening I guess.
So, I learned about the joys of skype this week with my twinnie Sarah over in Japan. So freaking exciting to see and talk to her and Scott and Evan of course. Will make the five months they are gone not seem so fricking long. And she did start her blog which is awesome. I even like the title of course, because as a nerd, it's a Jeopardy reference and that is just awesome.
So, I seriously do not have much to talk about tonight, but really wanted to post a song for everyone. Tiffany has me hooked on Florence & the Machine and I'm listening to them tonight. So the song for today children is...

"Cosmic Love"~Florence & the Machine
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Changes Coming..30 Days To Go

2011-01-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been volunteered (and agreed to) participate in a couple's challenge biggest loser style. Because Tiff & Kerry aren't "big" enough I'm paired with Will (Tiff's husband for those who don't know). We are going against Ray & Betsy, and Megan & Brian. So fingers crossed that Will and I can pull out the biggest numbers and kill it against everyone else. So with that change in mind I came to a stunning (well not really) realization that other people blog with a purpose~about their running, their wedding planning, their funny lives, their sports, their pregnancy, etc. I blog with no purpose. I blog because I like to write and sometimes there are just things inside my head that I feel like need to be put on "paper". Am I a writer? No, not really. But I adore the written word and sometimes feel that how things can be written are easier than just saying them. I guess the biggest purpose I can come up with on my blog is to blog somewhat about going to school (which is a bit like blogging about your job~boring) and barring that idea I guess it's just to share whatever random song I feel like for the day.
The other change I'm making to the blog is that it will no longer push emails out to people. So those of you that have been getting this via email...this will be the last one. If you want to read what I have to write from time to time then you know where to find the information. At least then I won't feel like I am just sending crap to people who could care (or not) to read about whatever random junk is floating around inside my brain. Speaking of amazingly random shit that I like to write about, I put a song on my iTunes while posting this blog. Apparently iTunes can read my mind and as I went to check it, the application had already put the song on repeat, as if somehow knowing my emotional state and realizing I would want to listen to the same song over and over again. Who knew iTunes was so amazing?!?!
No song to post today. The one I'm listening to right now is one I've posted before, so I'll leave it blank.
Tomorrow is my NICU rotation, I'm very excited and can't wait to see what the day has in store.

Random & Drunk

2011-01-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

Yes my dear reader, you should be very afraid. I have nothing much to post about, and am semi-drunk while I'm posting to boot. Yup, that's right, run away right now lest you be offended by something I have to say or annoyed with my horrible grammar and spelling. So, there you go, that is my warning. If you dare, please read on...
My first week of pediatrics is finished, approximately three weeks to go. As I am typing, I am sitting here with Izaiah, Cynthia's son. Her company holiday party is this weekend down in PDX and I agreed to watch him for slightly over 24 hours. Amazingly enough he is not the hardest kid to watch. We've played the Wii, watched Toy Story 3, and are now watching Eclipse. Awesome, right? Yeah, I pretty much think it's awesome. Earlier I took Z (that's what I call him) out with me to grab some movies from redbox, grab some groceries, and of course get him some McD's for lunch. I actually restrained myself for once and did not have any. YEAH ME!!
So my twinnie Sarah is now in Japan until the end of May. She told me that Kendra and I (hello Kendra, hope you're reading so you get the memo) have to wait until she gets back to celebrate our birthdays. I am totally ok with this! LOL
Ok, so I could keep writing bullshit, but I'm not going to torment anyone any longer. Keep up on your New Year's Resolutions everyone!
~J~

"The Violet Hour"~Sea Wolf
Your lips are nettles
Your tongue is wine
Your laughter's liquid
But your body's pine

You love all sailors
But hate the beach
You say "Come touch me"
But you're always out of reach

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

Your arms are lovely
Yellow and rose
Your back`s a meadow
Covered in snow

Your thighs are thistles
and hot-house grapes
You breathe your sweet breath
And have me wait

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

I turn the lights out
I clean the sheets
You change the station
Turn up the heat

And now you`re setting
Upon your chair
You`ve got me tangled up
Inside your beautiful black hair

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

Happy New Year!

2011-01-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

Well it's 2011 now. Another year come and gone, who else didn't keep their new year's resolutions?!? In my defense, being derailed from running my first half marathon due to appendicitis/scar tissue adhesions, sort of not my fault. So, I thought I'd repeat them for this year. I am going to run the NODM this year (like I should have last year). That's my resolution people. Those of you that are around pretty frequently, maybe you can help me keep it. Speaking of the new year, here is the picture at the end of the night to celebrate it:

Yup, go ahead and marvel at the awesomeness of this picture, I know you want to. Now, this is my second attempt at our self photo. Apparently for the first one (which I vaguely remember), I pushed the button, ran around to the opposite side of this photo, tripped over the chair, landed in the hallway, and yet still popped up to make it into the picture--go me! Tiffany says this is likely when I managed to scratch my chin. Nothing better than waking up New Year's Day with an unidentified scratch. SWEET!

Pediatrics rotation started yesterday at Madigan Army Medical Center. Sort of a huge place, super big, super confusing to get around. And of course there is all the government rig-a-ma-roll to work around just to be able to navigate the facility. We spent the first two days in orientation, getting our badges, access codes, passwords...etc. Despite all of this, I do feel a pretty good satisfaction in being able to serve our armed services this way. My first day will be in the pediatric hematology/oncology unit, which is great since this is another area of pediatrics that I am interested in (having completed my med/surg rotation on an oncology unit).

So, I started to type another post yesterday however bailed on it as I was too emotional and not in a very good mood. Sort of funny actually how you realize things, hopefully in time, but sometimes too late and you have to recover from them. Sometimes we let people break us down so far, kill our self esteem in a way, that we no longer recognize who we are. Be they lover, friend, mentor, acquaintance; some of us are just more easily injured by others actions than we should be. I am one of those people, but I'm trying to build that back up. Working on it anyway, working on not taking things so personally, and realizing that of course the world does not unfortunately revolve around me. Who knew?!?!

Well, the gym waits for no woman (technically mine is open for 24 hours a day during the week so I guess really it could be waiting for me). I have no lyrics to leave you with today...nothing jumping out at me at the moment that I feel like commenting about.
Happy New Year to All

Made It!

2010-12-30T01:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so after last semester's debacle with my grade point average (being brought down by the hell that is Advanced Pathophysiology) I managed to pull myself out of the slumps and obtain my 3.0 average. YEAH! This is extremely good news as my program requires a 3.0 average to stay in the program and I WAS on academic probation. Naughty naughty girl. But that's all behind me now and I am moving with the onwards and upwards motion. January starts my pediatrics rotation and I could not be more excited. I am working at Madigan and we will actually get to do a NICU rotation which is very exciting. January also starts my half marathon training up yet again. Because of my appendix surgery last year I did not get to run in the NODM but am going to do it this year alongside my best friend (and excellent runner) Tiffany who will be running her first full marathon. Pretty exciting and motivating stuff if you ask me, we are totally going to rock it. Hopefully we can get some good supporters out there this year as well and maybe stay in the super nice super huge house in Sequim again (although preferably without any drama this time around).
Like many others do at the end of the year I take a moment or two to reflect on the ups and downs of the year. Oh wait, isn't that how life is though, up and down. I swear if life didn't feel like a roller coaster I would sometimes wonder what ride I was on and where I could get off! Things I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this year: hearing Frances say Auntie Meems and giggle as I tickle her and play with her, Niko wrapping his arms around my neck and snuggling close with me while he says I love you, Devan playing awesome defense on the soccer field and proving herself every bit my niece with her one two punch with her BFF Kara, my sister and mother-my truest family in every sense of the word, my health-learning lifestyles over and over again constantly proving that I can change and I can evolve, and of course KJ and my adopted family (i.e. friends). Could not make it through without all of those things.
Ok, so on another note, those of you that notice (and care) can see that I am posting at 148ish in the morning. Guess who didn't fill her sleep medication refill today-that's right, ME! Insomnia really sucks, but I'm sure I've mentioned that before. Here's to a new year!!

And because I love her, Pink-Fuckin' Perfect
"Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out

Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing

You’re fuckin’ perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fuckin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re fucking perfect to me"

Tis the Season

2010-12-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Gather round little kiddies, I'm going to tell you a holiday tale...well not likely but it will be a tale nonetheless holiday or no. Today, well today is the last day before I have four days of finals. That's right, Mon/Tues/Wed/Thurs I am finalling it up for my fall semester. I have loved this semester! It has had its ups and downs, as they all do I am sure, however I loved mental health nursing (really, does that surprise anyone) and I have really enjoyed my medical surgical rotation on the oncology unit! It is nice to know that no matter how I do with test taking in the nursing program (which seems to be not as well as my normally brainy self does), I do very well clinically and provide excellent patient care. That's what matters right? Things I have done this semester that I am excited about: gave medications safely-oral/rectal/subcutaneously/intramuscularly/and via IV pushes, I changed briefs on a woman who was on comfort care in her last days of life-spending time with her while I fed her one of her last meals, discussing hospice care with a patient's wife and then additionally with that patient, visiting with a patient on my off hours, having a woman want to adopt me as her foster granddaughter, giving oxygen, doing a full assessment, admitting someone to our floor, working with a client in mental health who on my last day came out to me as being bisexual, having a patient tell me he uses marijuana on a daily basis, inserting a catheter on a male client, and being with a client who the next day had a "celestial discharge" as they call it (she passed away). I think of how much my life has been improved and expanded because of all of these experiences. And then I think, how lucky am I to have my health, to have the health of Kerry my wonderful wife, my friends and family. How lucky my Aunt is that although she has breast cancer she is fighting, that organizations with free care for cancer exist, and she is getting what she needs.
I sat today and read all of the Christmas cards we have received so far. How blessed that we have so many friends and family that care enough about us to send us cards. To know that we are thought of during their busy holiday seasons. Truly it is times like these that remind me no matter what life may throw at us, or what kinds of challenges we may be facing, we are still rich in spirit with love of friends and family. Even sometimes when blessed with new friends-my cohort in the nursing school. I love those guys. We get along so well, even when at times we want to kill each other. The 17 of us will always be a family of sorts, and at least a few of them will be new lifelong friends I have no doubt.
So at times like this, I just want everyone to know I love them, and am blessed to have you all in my life.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas"

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

These Violent Delights...

2010-11-07T23:23:00.001-08:00

Been doing a lot of reading lately. Both for school and for my own personal enrichment. Now, I know those of you that know me might be confused-reading for enrichment? How enriching can a medieval romance novel be? Ah, but yet, bear with me. I have been reading non-fiction. See, shock and amazement should be oozing out of you now. If it's not, you should seriously check your pits, is it there? See..I told you it was.
Started my second half of clinical for this semester. I'm at good samaritan hospital on the oncology unit. I love it so far. I have had pretty good patients, even if almost all of them are on precautions and I have to gown/glove/mask up every time I come into or leave their room. I had my rotation in the OR (that's operating room for those of you that will ask me later) and was lucky enough to only witness on surgery. It was called a proximal femur nailing, and if that title doesn't frighten you then the procedure should. Let's just put it this way, you don't want to know what kind of positions/postures/yoga they are putting you into when they are doing surgery. In fact, makes me wonder what kind of weird positions I've been in for my surgeries...likely different since I wasn't on a traction table. Although funny story, they are prepping for surgery the surgeon actually says, "we have a code brown here". Yeah, it means what you think it does, and yes the nurse faithfully cleaned up the patient (found out this is likely due to the sedatives used prior to surgery). Awww yummy the joys of nursing. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. I also managed to give a woman a backrub, which although it sounds very weird, actually is within the scope of my practice to do. Next week I'll get checked off on safe drug administration, can't wait!
Celebrating our four year anniversary this week. Happy Anniversary to my wonderful Kerry and myself! It's had it's ups and downs but wouldn't change it for a thing.
Sitting for my CNA test on November 27th, so everyone keep their fingers crossed for that. Hopefully will have a job lined up before winter break starts!

Bang Bang~Melanie Fiona

Finger on the trigger
Let it bang bang, baby let it bang
I don’t give a damn Cause I’m a rebel kind
Watch me do my thang

Let me introduce you to my Lucy
I don’t care if you like me
(I’ll walk it out on ‘em)
Running from the law
I’ll hit the borderline
They trying to trap me
So let’s get down baby

I’ll be locking and loading
I’ll be shooting forever
Got my eye on the target
And I’m aiming at you
See me moving in silence
Feel destruction and violence
Got my eye on the target
And I’m aiming at you

Bang, Bang (I’m aiming at you)
Bang, Bang (I’m aiming at you)

Ain’t nothing like the feeling of that cold cold metal in my hand
Know I sound psycho, Daddy-o, you’ll never understand
Let me introduce you my chrome-plated bullet
She shining
(I’ll whip it out on ‘em)
Understand my ’45 chevy ride scraping the highway
Top down, pick it up

I’ll be locking and loading
I’ll be shooting forever
Got my eye on the target
And I’m aiming at you
See me moving in silence
Feel destruction and violence
Got my eye on the target
And I’m aiming at you

Bang, Bang (I’m aiming at you)
Bang, Bang (I’m aiming at you)

Change Again

2010-10-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

Ok so apparently there was some kind of formatting error with the last design layout I had on here, which was not allowing people to comment (which as we bloggers know is super depressing to not have any comments on your blog). So...a new blog background yet again=check. Homework complete=not checked. LOL Kidding people, kidding. But hey, it takes a lot of effort to pick a format you really like for your blog and I like to change mine pretty frequently. Go figure!

More posts later....

Emotional Much?!?

2010-10-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

"You can make your life what you want it to be, you just have to decide to do it."~Burgandy (Biggest Loser-Current Season). She was the person voted off this week. I watched this week's episode and kept bawling, can you say emotional much?!? Hence the title, duh. I had my first workout with my trainer this week, forgot how much I missed working out with a trainer. It's so much easier to not push yourself when you are doing weights, to say well I can only do a 5lb dumbbell, well harder to tell somebody you can't do a 10lb dumbbell when she just puts in your hands. Then that's like admitting defeat before you've already started, which I absolutely refuse to do. We started off the workout with ropes, which if you've never worked with before, holy shit! I only had to do one minute intervals with pounding these ropes up and down like a drum beat, but it sure felt like I was beating the crap out of my arms. Bri's description of why we do these first, to burn out all the smaller muscles first so that we can easily keep working on the bigger muscles. Well it definitely worked. Last night before going to bed, I wasn't sure I could turn over in my sleep if I wanted to. Speaking of sleep, I apparently couldn't do that either, as I was out of my nighttime medications and had too hard of a time getting any sleep at all. LAME!
I have a new long term goal that I think will be a positive one. I want to do a four week vacation at the Biggest Loser Fitness Camp, at a current price of $8000, this is definitely a long term goal. But I will get there. Four weeks, focusing on my health and fitness, helpfully leading to a better more happy more healthy life...I think it's a good goal to have. My first week of biggest loser competition sees me down about 4 lbs total, I thought it was 6 lbs, but after weight training last night I think I'm retaining a little bit of water. As my trainer says, it's not all about the scale, it's about the body fat percentage. And since my BFF Tiffany posted her body fat percentage, I will go ahead and post mine, it's 41%. I"m happy that I'm less than half body fat, but still have a ways to go. The goal is 26%, so that's 15% more body fat that I have to drop, and I will do it. Because I am in the mental place to do it. I am not sitting in my classes learning how much being obese effects every likelihood of you developing pretty much every scary disease and not doing something about it. I will become different. I'm someone who has always enjoyed working out, I like team sports (of course soccer) and I like working out in the gym...working out is not my problem. My problem is that I love food, all kinds, all sorts of unhealthy stuff. BUT, that being said, my trainer says 90% of the equation for me is going to be the food. So, no more excuses, food is fuel only. It's not fun emotional pleasure center fulfilling candy, it's just fuel, to make me be alive, nothing more.

"Not Afraid"~Eminem
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]
Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin mayhem
When I say I'ma do somethin I do it,
I don't give a damn what you think,
I'm doin this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stoppin me
I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony
No if ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he
From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album
he's still shittin, whether he's on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge
to pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playin with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your feelings, instead of gettin crowned you're gettin capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin black cloud
still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fuckers are doin jumpin jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
for you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don't even realize what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
my world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
and drop dead, no more beef flingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
to focus solely on handlin my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
and raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar
I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazin at stars
I feel amazing and I'm

It's New

2010-10-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

I changed the blog background. You know, probably for the 40th out of 400th time. Can't fall into complacency about how the blog looks you know, that would just be lazy. Lazy...yeah something I'm trying to avoid being these days. Am proud/happy to say that I have been on track with the working out since I started at the gym and that is a very exciting thing. Also, the gym had the biggest loser kickoff last night and I am glad to say I was neither the biggest person there nor the least in shape by any means. Now, if this stupid sinus infection would go away I could just get on track that much quicker! My last post...I'm not going to lie...it was a case of the feel sorry for myselfness. No more, that's no good and is doing nobody any good (I'm pretty sure that's horrible grammar but I like it anyway). Onwards and upwards (or on to the next as they say on ghost hunters)!
So, I also got my meal plan today. If you follow me on facebook you already know since I posted, that it's a boring diet, but totally doable and I will get it done. This one is for the competition only, so it's a "diet" for six weeks, then we'll work on my everyday meal plan which will be somewhat different. This one has about, oh I don't know, 8 things total on it. Woohoo!
Down to my last three weeks at Western State, which actually makes me a little sad. Mostly for the fact that I know that my next rotation has the scary teacher Christina and she requires so much more than my current teacher. LOL. Oh wait, not being lazy right, so bring it on! I also am signing up to get my CNA certification because seriously, need a job here people.
Ok, back to being productive, gotta go. Oh yeah, and the song I heard today, kind of random, but here you go (bonus points to you if you know what movie it's in):
"Cry Little Sister"
A last fire will rise behind those eyes
Black house will rock, blind boys don't lie
Immortal fear, that voice so clear
Through broken walls, that scream I hear

Cry, little sister - Thou shall not fall
Come to your brother - Thou shall not die
Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear
Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill

Blue masquerade, strangers look on
When will they learn this loneliness?
Temptation heat beats like a drum
Deep in your veins, I will not lie

Little sister - Thou shall not fall
Come to your brother - Thou shall not die
Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear
Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill

My Shangri-Las
I can't forget
Why you were mine
I need you now

Cry, little sister - Thou shall not fall
Come to your brother - Thou shall not die
Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear
Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill

About a Week of Course

2010-09-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

It's been about a week of course, so the welling up of random shit that I have to say has come out yet again and I take to my blog, as I usually do, to lay it all down in writing for those of you who read this to actually see. Amazing that it's 11 at night, I have to be up at 5am to head over to Western State Hospital for my clinical, but I can't seem to fall asleep. Medications all taken of course, but there are nights (like tonight) where I'm pretty sure I could take a big dose of thorazine and still not fall asleep. I started back at the gym this week, joined a new one, VisionQuest Sports & Fitness. They had a great deal going, only 15 bucks a month, so I couldn't pass that up. I happened to join (or was lucky enough to join) right before they started their next biggest loser challenge on October 5th...and of course being the competitive person I am, I decided to participate. It's a six week gig, where I will have 6 training sessions, a customized meal plan, and the opportunity to win 500 bucks. Hell, that money alone is a pretty good incentive, right? And I want to do it, I'm in the mindset, with a good attitude about things, and loving my time back in the gym. I forgot how much I missed weight training when I had stopped doing it. I can't say it's quite the stress/anger release that soccer is, but it comes pretty close.
But on that other side of things, the side of me that I like to ignore or just simply pretend doesn't exist, there is fear. Fear of what you may ask, so I will tell you. I fear failure. Like the black death, or bleeding through a pair of khaki pants during my period and nobody telling me, or losing all of my teeth and having to gum my food to eat it. Fear of failure is a crippling thing, so much so that half the time it prevents me from even trying. Why bother, it won't work, you'll never get through it, you'll never accomplish that. Those are the negative self doubt things that go through my mind when I want to set myself a new goal, reach out for a new prize, leave the past behind me. I haven't always been this way mind you, I'm almost wondering if this is a post surgical negativity descending on me in some ways, either that or it's my ptsd as it relates to being raped and abused this summer during my patho-physiology course. It has definitely spilled over into my nursing school experience in general in the sense of fear of, oh shit, what if I don't make it?!?
I often question people about how they see me, or if they believe in me. Kerry tells me this is a pathological need I am trying to fulfill because I can't/don't believe in myself most of the time. I think she's right....stupid smarty mcsmarterton. (J/K baby) I don't imagine spending at least 16 hours a week around people who are in therapy all the time, being medicated, and constantly evaluating and re-evaluating their lives is helping much at the moment...in fact now that I type that I'm pretty sure it's weighing on me more than I realized, go figure. Another thing I tell Kerry, I have to spend so much time discussing and re-discussing my feelings with people (or myself) just so I can try to figure out where that feeling was coming from. It's very bizarre.
And speaking of bizarre, I don't even remember why I wanted to write this post in the first place...tune in tokyo...does anybody else get it? Oh yeah that's right, checking in, or checking out as the case may be. Gotta run, there are a few more games of bejeweled blitz calling my name on facebook people.
Leave you with a little xtina for the night...
"Stronger Than Ever"

What you gave me, I know you gave me
You remind me all the time
And how you hurt me and you don’t see it
Again, I am the child
And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you, you suffered less too
It tears us both apart
And it’s not pretty, the way you criticize me
And how it breaks my heart

And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you knew, how much I need you
I feel like running but I can’t abandon you
You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days
You punish me for trying to be all that you wanted
What more can I do?

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

See me as a person

2010-09-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well, week three of clinical at Western State Hospital almost completed. Today was a pretty interesting time. My partner and I got to spend some time on one of the admitting wards. This is where patients may be coming from jail to have their competency evaluated (you know, as in whether or not they are competent to stand trial) or to have their competency restored (to get them medicated and/or through a level of therapy so that they can be competent to stand trial). We got to sit in on an admission with a patient who very obviously suffered from schizophrenia with paranoia tendencies. In discussion with the doctor after the admission interview I was able to learn that making them competent to stand trial does not necessarily mean they are symptom free. The gentleman we spoke with today suffers from delusions, but he can tell right from wrong and is able to be coherent to time place and person. Doctor thinks he already is competent to stand trial, and admittedly he is sticking with his medication routine (which is very hard to have done when they get sent back to jail apparently). The more time we spend there we learn more and more about how the justice system really fucks with those that are truly severely mentally ill, how they can spend long periods of times being evaluated only to never possibly stand trial, be sent out into the community with little to no resources (lack of funding don't you know) and with some of them highly likely to not stay on their meds....sometimes it is no wonder they re-offend. Now, I am in no way shape or form condoning unlawful behavior by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes there are truly people who have such a high degree of mental illness that they have no idea. I have seen these people suffering their sentences through therapy and medication, understanding now, only when it is too late, what they have done. I wish the system could have helped them sooner.
No song to leave with today, kind of a serious subject I suppose. But two quotes, one of which I do not know the author of but I have often seen at one of my medical clinics "See me not as a mental illness, but first as a person".
From Ever After, 1998, "If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them? "

You know what really grinds my gears?!?

2010-09-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, before I tell you, that title...it's a reference to Family Guy. If you didn't know that, I thought you should, because I love that show. Okay, so also in case you didn't know, the Seattle Storm won the WNBA championship tonight. It was a close but great game. So of course I post on FB (facebook duh) about how glad I am that they won and it was such an intense game. So this guy I know from HS, whom I've always thought of as a pretty level headed, pro girls, liberal type of dude posts this:

Grant R Now if the City of Seattle could just get a championship that mattered.

So of course, this just pisses me off. And various levels of the stupidness comments ensue such as:

That doesn't change the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, the WNBA doesn't really matter as a professional sport.

Oh come on...do you honestly, and objectively, think women athletes are competing at the same level as men?

And I, personally, posted a comment the other day congratulating them after winning game one...but WNBA is not a major sport.

Jaime, they should be compared because women's sports are not nearly as entertaining as men's sports. That's why they aren't (and likely never will be) as popular. That's why they don't matter as much, because people aren't watching them.
And yes, it is the only championship the city has won lately, but if the Rainiers win the PCL championship it won't matter, either. When the Tacoma Stars won a a championship, it didn't matter. Because these sports aren't important on a grand scale.

I want to respect everyone's right to have an opinion, but come on?!? I should clarify that all of the comments listed here were not from this one person, but also from some of his friends. Should I point out how many FIFA world cups the women have won and how many the men have NOT? Or should I talk about other items I see as not entertaining sports....BASEBALL? Really, nine fucking innings of retardness to have scores like 3-1 and such? At least we can get scores like that in 90 minutes during soccer, why drag out the agony of this oh so "entertaining" baseball game...

I am a female athlete. My best friend is a female athlete as are a lot of other friends, and at least one of my nieces (hopefully my other one will be too). Frances, my youngest niece, is almost 2 years old and I pray to god that she grows up to be an athlete like her mother and me (her aunt)....I don't care if she plays baseball, basketball, or soccer, but that she plays it, enjoys it and has a good time. And if she grows up to play a sport at a level that some stupid men might say is "not entertaining, not a major sport, not real"....well I will be all the more proud of her.

And in honor of the US Women's Soccer Team, their them song from last year:

"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me