Saturday, February 13, 2016

Midlife Crisis?

So my friend Heather (who also happens to be my favoritist doctor), asked me recently if I'm having a midlife crisis.  Can you have a midlife crisis at not quite 38 years old?  If I am having a midlife crisis, does that mean I'm only going to live until 76?  Holy shit, I just realized that when I was like 14 I said I'd kill myself at 40 cause it was sooooo old.  Yeah~change in plans.

I don't think I'm having a midlife crisis.  I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up.  This is not a new problem, this is a lifelong problem.  Currently the debate is between an MBA in healthcare administration and my post master's in midwifery.  I'm strongly leaning towards the midwife plan right now, but check back in an hour, it could change!

I'm starting to think that Kerry could possibly be right by the way, I could be bipolar.  But in my version of bipolar I get depression and then every few months I want to RUN AWAY!  That's my manic phase.  I get tired of the weather, my job, the responsibilities of being a wife, a mother, a nurse, a manager, myself and I just want to....run away.  This isn't a reflection on my spouse, my friends, my son..only me.  My own thing that I have to do.  But as I get older, it's harder to do, it's hard to run, it's hard to just check out and not face the music and then get right back to it.  So, I attempt to put on a brave face and ignore the anxiety crawling through my skin.  The urge to tear out my hair, scream out my lungs, and to just run.  Some days, it's easy, sometimes I just let it go through me and accept that it is.  Sometimes, I actually just run.

It's amazing to have people in your life that know this, that get you, that understand your own little version of psychotic; and it's even more AMAZING that they love you not in spite of it, but because of it.  Because it makes you you, and they know that you'll come back, that you'll be you again, that the loud roar inside your head will go away and you'll come back to them whole as ever.  I pray for those times.

"Stupid"~Sarah McLachlan
Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the depth of my senses I know

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

1 comment:

SarahLynn said...

Sometimes running seems like the best idea. Who wants to be an adult with all these responsibilities? As kids, being a grown up seemed awesome, afteall they got to do whatever they wanted with no one telling them what to do. How could we have been so stupid not to realize that even the least responsible adults have to follow rules and have people in charge of them in some sort of capacity? I constantly feel like I'm making the wrong decision. Usually it's not a major deal, like what we should eat for dinner, or skipping the vacuuming. Sometimes it feels bigger, like med changes for the boy or not interpreting insurance lingo properly. I'm still hoping some of those bigger ones aren't completely damaging, but I may never know. Oh well, there's no going back now. While medication isn't always the answer, I'm sure there must be some antianxiety med or something, that might ease the panic a bit. I'm still not convinced it's bipolar, but I only grew up with one, so not really the authority on the subject. Hang in there. Life is made of waves. Sometimes they crash and beat you down, but sometimes you get to ride them all the way to the shore, and then lie on the beach in the sun, which is really the only good part about this ocean metaphor.