Friday, January 28, 2011

201!!!!

When I logged in to blog today I realized there was actually a tally of how many posts I've had to this blog.  This one makes my 201st post.  I feel like I should make this a happy go lucky positive post, but stuff was rough this week so I'm going to go ahead and "keep it real" as it were.  Today was one of the hardest weeks I have had since being at school.  It really shouldn't have been per se, didn't start off bad nor did I have anything specific happen that really ruined it or anything.  However, it was the start of my pediatrics rotation, which I have so been looking forward to (and I mean on the floor in the hospital pediatrics).  After everything I experience and went through with kids this week I have learned a few things:  1) I empathize with the kids too much so trying to do procedures on them or anything invasive is way too hard for me  2) From a nursing perspective I really like kids under 1 1/2 and over age 6-under 1 1/2 has a short memory and can't still be angry at you for what's going on and over 6 they can understand what's happening and you have slightly more reasoning power with them and 3) Although I've been really thinking I would be a pediatric nurse it turns out....I am likely not going to be.  Mostly for the reasons I just listed.  I LOVED my NICU rotation, really loved it.

I had the opportunity to participate in mock throughputs at the new hospital opening in Enumclaw too.  For that exercise I was able to be "pregnant" twice and have two different types of deliveries.  One was a regular delivery no complications.  For the other one there were massive complications, had to be given oxygen, had to have the "doctor" simulate riding on the bed with me down to the OR where I was "put under" general anesthesia and then delivered a healthy baby.  So a few things occur to me during this volunteer exercise, one of which was not a surprise.  First, I love babies, have always loved them, have a way with them, can get them to sleep when others cannot and just generally I totally GET them (even though some would argue there is not much to get).  Secondly, being in this whole mock pregnancy/birth thing made me a little sad and nostalgic that I do not yet have my own kids.  I mean here I am role playing with the nurse and she's asking me about my baby and what the sex is and what name I've picked out (and NO, I won't tell you what I told her the names were so do not ask me), and actually feeling....bereft if that's the right word.  Hard to explain in words and some of you won't get it anyway, so I'll just leave it at that.

So, switching topics/gears if you will, so come along with me for the next journey.  I had my heart broken this week.  I know this seems weird coming from me, but here it is, I'll lay it out for you.  Someone I think very highly of and have come to know pretty well (or at least I think I know this person pretty well).  Well amazingly enough this person did something I do not really like nor do I approve of.  Okay I know you're thinking, well it isn't my place to judge or to make any other extraneous assumptions about another person--which is absolutely true.  But part of my coming to know this person and liking them and really caring for them has to do with me seeing them as sticking to what they believe in, and really living what it is they say they believe in.  So they make a few choices, they fall perhaps from the pedestal I put them on, not really their fault (to a certain degree) and there it is my heart ends up broken.  Amazingly enough, with GOOD communication all things such as this can be fixed; but usually have to go through the difficult kind of fighting period to get there.  And even then, people we love and care about will make choices we do not agree with and have no control over, so giving in to our emotions about it really only hurts ourselves (or myself I guess I should say).  So my song for tonight will go out to this person, they know who they are, love you...

"In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man"~ Alanis Morissette

You are the bravest man I’ve ever met 
You unreluctant at treacherous ledge 

You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with 
You, never hotter than with armor spent 

When you do what you do to provide 
How you land in the soft as you fortify 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon 
You with your new kind of heroism 

And I bow and I bow down to you 
To the grace that it takes to melt on through 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 
This is a thank you for letting me in 
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man 

You are the greatest man I’ve ever met 
You the stealth setter of new precedents 

And I vow and I vow to be true 
And I vow and I vow to not take advantage 

This is in praise of the vulnerable man 
Why won’t you lead the rest of your cavalry home 
This is a thank you for letting me in 
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Lyric Randomness

So, I was thinking I wanted to post tonight, however upon logging into my dashboard and opening up a new post, all that came to mind were many snippets of lyrics to songs I like.  So because that seemed to be what needed to be put out on paper (or digital paper as the case may be), I am just putting out random lyrics from wherever, whatever, and whenever they happen to appear in a song.  I'm not crediting artists, just putting it out there people.  Looking forward to a great Sunday tomorrow.  xoxoxo

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone.  Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?


I can't tell you what it really is.
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now, it's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight.

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it 
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it 
Sticks and stones may break my bones 
But chains and whips excite me 



So much, so young, I faced on my own
Walls I built up, became my own
I’m strong and I’m sure there is a fire in us
Sweet love so pure



So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know



I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Blink...

I originally wrote this blog post Tuesday night, but for some reason when I was posting my song lyrics at the end...the whole thing deleted out and I was so pissed at that point that I just never attempted to re-write it.  Now the original post was somewhat profound, at least for the types of things I have to say, and I will try to re-create that to some extent, so bear with me.
A blink of an eye..sometimes that's really as long as life seems right?  Or at least that's the metaphor we like to use to describe our short, sometimes bleak, existence here on earth.  But what if your life really did change in the blink of an eye, perhaps not even for the better.  The NICU baby I cared for last week and this week (on Tuesday) seemed a bit worse for the wear when I came into the NICU on Tuesday morning.  Around 730 she was already awake (even with her little cpap breathing machine on) and the RN I was working with decided that we would start doing care for her (vital signs, diaper change, giving her a break from her mask, etc).  So all of the NICU babies are hooked up to various alarms/sensors that go off whether a number is too low and sometimes because it is too high.  So when the alarm started going off I had already been somewhat trained to look at it briefly but move on, knowing that their fragile little systems frequently set off the alarms but then right themselves.  But this time it didn't, it kept going off, as the RN and I carefully positioned the baby and she was rubbing her back.  The monitor indicated her heart was not beating and she was not breathing and it seemed like....well it felt like forever.  I stopped breathing right along with her, wondering if perhaps mistakenly as the nursing student this was not as dire as it seemed to me in that moment.  Less than a minute passed before she took another breath and the monitors shut off, but still her body was pale and not pink as it lay before me.  I looked to the RN for re-assurance that I was crazy and had imagined how bad it was as she said to me, "We almost lost her there for a minute."  Oh my God, we had really?!?!  And like that, all I could think was how precious this life was that almost blinked out of existence.  It did not matter to me that I worry about what her home life will be when she survives, or how stupid her parents are, or how it is somewhat her mom's fault that she was born pre-mature...all that mattered was that she lived and still has her life before her.  And given all of those events, can I do anything less than live my life to the fullest knowing and seeing how short it can be?!?
I later had to witness other distressing things on this baby like an IV poke to her head and a cardiogram to check her heart.  I can't help but pray for her to pull through and to not have any long lasting effects from this inauspicious start to her life.  The next day I was in the well child clinic where I stuck babies/kids/older children with needles all day long as I was giving immunizations.  That did not bother me.  What got to me truly, was the newborns (less than a month old) who have to have their PKU tests.  Those of you with kids likely know this as the foot pricking, however now they don't do it this way.  They start a line in the child's hand/wrist and let the blood flow out from there to fill up the five little required circles.  Apparently this is the less traumatic of the two options, although it hardly seemed that way to me at the time.  After my three different attempts on the babies that did not work out, I have to wonder if I'll be cut out for giving IV's to kids.  But I have faith and hope that I will get better and will do that job with MUCH compassion, tenderness, and love.  This route through school and nursing has taught me nothing if not that it is the right thing for me to be doing and where I will truly shine.  My song goes out to my little NICU baby and also in honor of my niece Frances whom I sing it to all the time...

"Go To Sleep Little Baby"


go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

your momma's gone away and your daddy's gonna stay
didn't leave nobody but the baby

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn
didn't leave nobody but the baby

you're a sweet little babe
you're a sweet little babe

honey in the rock and the sugar don't stop
gonna bring a bottle to the baby

don't you weep pretty babe
don't you weep pretty babe

she's long gone with her red shoes on
gonna need another loving babe

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

you and me and the devil makes three
don't need no other lovin' babe

go to sleep little babe
go to sleep little babe

come lay bones on the alabaster stones
and be my everlovin baby

Monday, January 17, 2011

Deep~Maybe too Deep

Okay knowing me, you likely will all think the title is going to be about something sexual, however it is not, so please do not get your hopes up.  As evidenced by my last blog title, and perhaps alluded to with this blog title, I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately.  Sometimes too much I am sure, as I am likely to do in almost any given situation.  Give me something completely simple and I'm pretty sure I can make it into the most complex thing you have ever heard of in your life AND I'll have you believing the way I think about it too.  It's a gift...for what I do not know, but anyway, I digress.  So I was hanging out with a friend the other day, now this friend is admittedly more religious than I am and has lead what can only be described as a completely different life than I have.  We got into a discussion about some things (like pre-marital sex, adultery, getting drunk, etc) and an interesting concept emerged (at least for me, it was not so much for him).  I've always felt that God knows about the things we do, he understands these things right, we were made in his image....etc.  So in my mind, the things we do and are ultimately forgiven and are not that horrible of things (well except for something like say murder).  Now this friend of mine, he denies himself many things in life because he is trying to live what is the best most righteous path he can lead.  So the interesting part took place when I considered this in reference to my own life.  I make NO evaluative judgment on how he is living his life or how anyone else chooses to live theirs, so please do not mistake my very over-simplified explanation of this story as such.  Now, as most of you know, I am a fairly hedonistic person (for those not in the know this is the idea that pleasure is the only intrinsic good).  Now I am not quite that black and white, but yeah if it feels good, I'm probably gonna do it, consequences be damned. So....long way back to the point here.
I started to wonder what things might be different in my life if I had ever stopped at one of these points and said...no, I'm not going to do this because there is something better for me?  Or if I had ever once considered holding out on the short term goal because the long term goal was so much better and brighter.  I mean take my weight loss for instance; I enjoy food (who the hell doesn't really?), but if I was able to fore-go the immediate pleasure of eating something now for the ultimate goal/pleasure of meeting my goal weight/looking how I want/etc...what might that feel like?  How might my life be different if I decided to do this more often.  So, from this spiritual crisis (I won't get into all the details with you), I think I've come to a new place on many topics/areas in my life.  I'm hoping this will be a more positive and happy change for me when it comes to making my goals happen.  At the very least, I know it's not going to be worse than anything else I've been doing....right?!?!



"Start a Fire" ~Ryan Star
I remember when you said your father's asleep
I remember swimming as our clothes drifted off to sea.

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

I remember drinking as the stars were falling,
I remember dancing on the hotel's unmade bed.

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!

Taking chances in the back of your car,
We burn and on my radio is "Rockin' in a Free World,
S.O.S.
So obsessed,
Oh you make me such a mess,
Why can't this just last forever, why, why, why?

So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me,
So wake up, wake up dreaming,
And lie here with me.

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!

Here we go,
Just lose control and let your body give in,
To the beat,
Of your heart as my hand touches your skin,
Is this love
Or,
Just sexual desire,
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!
We're gonna start a fire!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thinking thinking think...

Funny title right?  This is what Frances says when you ask her where something is or a question she does not know the answer to.  It's hilarious actually and I just thought of it while I was getting ready to post.  You may be asking yourself, what is so exciting in my life that I have to post about and the answer is.......wait for it.....NOTHING!!   I just felt like writing, so here you go dear blog readers, I am writing.  It's what I do, if you don't know that by now...fuck off.  LOL.  Ok sorry, feeling a little sassy this evening I guess.
So, I learned about the joys of skype this week with my twinnie Sarah over in Japan.  So freaking exciting to see and talk to her and Scott and Evan of course.  Will make the five months they are gone not seem so fricking long.  And she did start her blog which is awesome.  I even like the title of course, because as a nerd, it's a Jeopardy reference and that is just awesome.
So, I seriously do not have much to talk about tonight, but really wanted to post a song for everyone.  Tiffany has me hooked on Florence & the Machine and I'm listening to them tonight.  So the song for today children is...

"Cosmic Love"~Florence & the Machine
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Changes Coming..30 Days To Go

So I've been volunteered (and agreed to) participate in a couple's challenge biggest loser style.  Because Tiff & Kerry aren't "big" enough I'm paired with Will (Tiff's husband for those who don't know).  We are going against Ray & Betsy, and Megan & Brian.  So fingers crossed that Will and I can pull out the biggest numbers and kill it against everyone else.  So with that change in mind I came to a stunning (well not really) realization that other people blog with a purpose~about their running, their wedding planning, their funny lives, their sports, their pregnancy, etc.  I blog with no purpose.  I blog because I like to write and sometimes there are just things inside my head that I feel like need to be put on "paper".  Am I a writer?  No, not really.  But I adore the written word and sometimes feel that how things can be written are easier than just saying them.  I guess the biggest purpose I can come up with on my blog is to blog somewhat about going to school (which is a bit like blogging about your job~boring) and barring that idea I guess it's just to share whatever random song I feel like for the day.
The other change I'm making to the blog is that it will no longer push emails out to people.  So those of you that have been getting this via email...this will be the last one.  If you want to read what I have to write from time to time then you know where to find the information.  At least then I won't feel like I am just sending crap to people who could care (or not) to read about whatever random junk is floating around inside my brain.  Speaking of amazingly random shit that I like to write about, I put a song on my iTunes while posting this blog.  Apparently iTunes can read my mind and as I went to check it, the application had already put the song on repeat, as if somehow knowing my emotional state and realizing I would want to listen to the same song over and over again. Who knew iTunes was so amazing?!?!
No song to post today.  The one I'm listening to right now is one I've posted before, so I'll leave it blank.
Tomorrow is my NICU rotation, I'm very excited and can't wait to see what the day has in store.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Random & Drunk

Yes my dear reader, you should be very afraid.  I have nothing much to post about, and am semi-drunk while I'm posting to boot.  Yup, that's right, run away right now lest you be offended by something I have to say or annoyed with my horrible grammar and spelling.  So, there you go, that is my warning.  If you dare, please read on...
My first week of pediatrics is finished, approximately three weeks to go.  As I am typing, I am sitting here with Izaiah, Cynthia's son.  Her company holiday party is this weekend down in PDX and I agreed to watch him for slightly over 24 hours.  Amazingly enough he is not the hardest kid to watch.  We've played the Wii, watched Toy Story 3, and are now watching Eclipse.  Awesome, right?  Yeah, I pretty much think it's awesome.  Earlier I took Z (that's what I call him) out with me to grab some movies from redbox, grab some groceries, and of course get him some McD's for lunch.  I actually restrained myself for once and did not have any.  YEAH ME!!
So my twinnie Sarah is now in Japan until the end of May.  She told me that Kendra and I (hello Kendra, hope you're reading so you get the memo) have to wait until she gets back to celebrate our birthdays.  I am totally ok with this!  LOL
Ok, so I could keep writing bullshit, but I'm not going to torment anyone any longer.  Keep up on your New Year's Resolutions everyone!
~J~

"The Violet Hour"~Sea Wolf
Your lips are nettles
Your tongue is wine
Your laughter's liquid
But your body's pine

You love all sailors
But hate the beach
You say "Come touch me"
But you're always out of reach

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

Your arms are lovely
Yellow and rose
Your back`s a meadow
Covered in snow

Your thighs are thistles
and hot-house grapes
You breathe your sweet breath
And have me wait

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

I turn the lights out
I clean the sheets
You change the station
Turn up the heat

And now you`re setting
Upon your chair
You`ve got me tangled up
Inside your beautiful black hair

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Happy New Year!

Well it's 2011 now.  Another year come and gone, who else didn't keep their new year's resolutions?!?  In my defense, being derailed from running my first half marathon due to appendicitis/scar tissue adhesions, sort of not my fault.  So, I thought I'd repeat them for this year.  I am going to run the NODM this year (like I should have last year).  That's my resolution people. Those of you that are around pretty frequently, maybe you can help me keep it.  Speaking of the new year, here is the picture at the end of the night to celebrate it:

Yup, go ahead and marvel at the awesomeness of this picture, I know you want to.  Now, this is my second attempt at our self photo.  Apparently for the first one (which I vaguely remember), I pushed the button, ran around to the opposite side of this photo, tripped over the chair, landed in the hallway, and yet still popped up to make it into the picture--go me!  Tiffany says this is likely when I managed to scratch my chin.  Nothing better than waking up New Year's Day with an unidentified scratch.  SWEET!

Pediatrics rotation started yesterday at Madigan Army Medical Center.  Sort of a huge place, super big, super confusing to get around.  And of course there is all the government rig-a-ma-roll to work around just to be able to navigate the facility.  We spent the first two days in orientation, getting our badges, access codes, passwords...etc.  Despite all of this, I do feel a pretty good satisfaction in being able to serve our armed services this way.  My first day will be in the pediatric hematology/oncology unit, which is great since this is another area of pediatrics that I am interested in (having completed my med/surg rotation on an oncology unit).

So, I started to type another post yesterday however bailed on it as I was too emotional and not in a very good mood.  Sort of funny actually how you realize things, hopefully in time, but sometimes too late and you have to recover from them.  Sometimes we let people break us down so far, kill our self esteem in a way, that we no longer recognize who we are.  Be they lover, friend, mentor, acquaintance; some of us are just more easily injured by others actions than we should be.  I am one of those people, but I'm trying to build that back up. Working on it anyway, working on not taking things so personally, and realizing that of course the world does not unfortunately revolve around me.  Who knew?!?!

Well, the gym waits for no woman (technically mine is open for 24 hours a day during the week so I guess really it could be waiting for me).  I have no lyrics to leave you with today...nothing jumping out at me at the moment that I feel like commenting about.
Happy New Year to All