Thursday, September 30, 2010

About a Week of Course

It's been about a week of course, so the welling up of random shit that I have to say has come out yet again and I take to my blog, as I usually do, to lay it all down in writing for those of you who read this to actually see.  Amazing that it's 11 at night, I have to be up at 5am to head over to Western State Hospital for my clinical, but I can't seem to fall asleep.  Medications all taken of course, but there are nights (like tonight) where I'm pretty sure I could take a big dose of thorazine and still not fall asleep.  I started back at the gym this week, joined a new one, VisionQuest Sports & Fitness.  They had a great deal going, only 15 bucks a month, so I couldn't pass that up.  I happened to join (or was lucky enough to join) right before they started their next biggest loser challenge on October 5th...and of course being the competitive person I am, I decided to participate.  It's a six week gig, where I will have 6 training sessions, a customized meal plan, and the opportunity to win 500 bucks.  Hell, that money alone is a pretty good incentive, right?  And I want to do it, I'm in the mindset, with a good attitude about things, and loving my time back in the gym.  I forgot how much I missed weight training when I had stopped doing it.  I can't say it's quite the stress/anger release that soccer is, but it comes pretty close.
But on that other side of things, the side of me that I like to ignore or just simply pretend doesn't exist, there is fear.  Fear of what you may ask, so I will tell you.  I fear failure.  Like the black death, or bleeding through a pair of khaki pants during my period and nobody telling me, or losing all of my teeth and having to gum my food to eat it.  Fear of failure is a crippling thing, so much so that half the time it prevents me from even trying.  Why bother, it won't work, you'll never get through it, you'll never accomplish that.  Those are the negative self doubt things that go through my mind when I want to set myself a new goal, reach out for a new prize, leave the past behind me.  I haven't always been this way mind you, I'm almost wondering if this is a post surgical negativity descending on me in some ways, either that or it's my ptsd as it relates to being raped and abused this summer during my patho-physiology course.  It has definitely spilled over into my nursing school experience in general in the sense of fear of, oh shit, what if I don't make it?!?
I often question people about how they see me, or if they believe in me.  Kerry tells me this is a pathological need I am trying to fulfill because I can't/don't believe in myself most of the time.  I think she's right....stupid smarty mcsmarterton.  (J/K baby)  I don't imagine spending at least 16 hours a week around people who are in therapy all the time, being medicated, and constantly evaluating and re-evaluating their lives is helping much at the moment...in fact now that I type that I'm pretty sure it's weighing on me more than I realized, go figure.  Another thing I tell Kerry, I have to spend so much time discussing and re-discussing my feelings with people (or myself) just so I can try to figure out where that feeling was coming from.  It's very bizarre.
And speaking of bizarre, I don't even remember why I wanted to write this post in the first place...tune in tokyo...does anybody else get it?  Oh yeah that's right, checking in, or checking out as the case may be.  Gotta run, there are a few more games of bejeweled blitz calling my name on facebook people.
Leave you with a little xtina for the night...
"Stronger Than Ever"

What you gave me, I know you gave me
You remind me all the time
And how you hurt me and you don’t see it
Again, I am the child
And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you, you suffered less too
It tears us both apart
And it’s not pretty, the way you criticize me
And how it breaks my heart

And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you knew, how much I need you
I feel like running but I can’t abandon you
You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days
You punish me for trying to be all that you wanted
What more can I do?

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way 

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