Thursday, September 30, 2010

About a Week of Course

It's been about a week of course, so the welling up of random shit that I have to say has come out yet again and I take to my blog, as I usually do, to lay it all down in writing for those of you who read this to actually see.  Amazing that it's 11 at night, I have to be up at 5am to head over to Western State Hospital for my clinical, but I can't seem to fall asleep.  Medications all taken of course, but there are nights (like tonight) where I'm pretty sure I could take a big dose of thorazine and still not fall asleep.  I started back at the gym this week, joined a new one, VisionQuest Sports & Fitness.  They had a great deal going, only 15 bucks a month, so I couldn't pass that up.  I happened to join (or was lucky enough to join) right before they started their next biggest loser challenge on October 5th...and of course being the competitive person I am, I decided to participate.  It's a six week gig, where I will have 6 training sessions, a customized meal plan, and the opportunity to win 500 bucks.  Hell, that money alone is a pretty good incentive, right?  And I want to do it, I'm in the mindset, with a good attitude about things, and loving my time back in the gym.  I forgot how much I missed weight training when I had stopped doing it.  I can't say it's quite the stress/anger release that soccer is, but it comes pretty close.
But on that other side of things, the side of me that I like to ignore or just simply pretend doesn't exist, there is fear.  Fear of what you may ask, so I will tell you.  I fear failure.  Like the black death, or bleeding through a pair of khaki pants during my period and nobody telling me, or losing all of my teeth and having to gum my food to eat it.  Fear of failure is a crippling thing, so much so that half the time it prevents me from even trying.  Why bother, it won't work, you'll never get through it, you'll never accomplish that.  Those are the negative self doubt things that go through my mind when I want to set myself a new goal, reach out for a new prize, leave the past behind me.  I haven't always been this way mind you, I'm almost wondering if this is a post surgical negativity descending on me in some ways, either that or it's my ptsd as it relates to being raped and abused this summer during my patho-physiology course.  It has definitely spilled over into my nursing school experience in general in the sense of fear of, oh shit, what if I don't make it?!?
I often question people about how they see me, or if they believe in me.  Kerry tells me this is a pathological need I am trying to fulfill because I can't/don't believe in myself most of the time.  I think she's right....stupid smarty mcsmarterton.  (J/K baby)  I don't imagine spending at least 16 hours a week around people who are in therapy all the time, being medicated, and constantly evaluating and re-evaluating their lives is helping much at the moment...in fact now that I type that I'm pretty sure it's weighing on me more than I realized, go figure.  Another thing I tell Kerry, I have to spend so much time discussing and re-discussing my feelings with people (or myself) just so I can try to figure out where that feeling was coming from.  It's very bizarre.
And speaking of bizarre, I don't even remember why I wanted to write this post in the first place...tune in tokyo...does anybody else get it?  Oh yeah that's right, checking in, or checking out as the case may be.  Gotta run, there are a few more games of bejeweled blitz calling my name on facebook people.
Leave you with a little xtina for the night...
"Stronger Than Ever"

What you gave me, I know you gave me
You remind me all the time
And how you hurt me and you don’t see it
Again, I am the child
And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you, you suffered less too
It tears us both apart
And it’s not pretty, the way you criticize me
And how it breaks my heart

And though you tell me that you love me
I can’t feel it and I’m afraid to let you down
It’s all or nothing, I fear that something’s wrong

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

How I wish you knew, how much I need you
I feel like running but I can’t abandon you
You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days
You punish me for trying to be all that you wanted
What more can I do?

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, so terrified to fail
And in order to please you I’ve abandoned myself
And though it used to hurt me when you pushed me away
I’m stronger than ever, you made me this way 

Thursday, September 23, 2010

See me as a person

Well, week three of clinical at Western State Hospital almost completed.  Today was a pretty interesting time.  My partner and I got to spend some time on one of the admitting wards.  This is where patients may be coming from jail to have their competency evaluated (you know, as in whether or not they are competent to stand trial) or to have their competency restored (to get them medicated and/or through a level of therapy so that they can be competent to stand trial).  We got to sit in on an admission with a patient who very obviously suffered from schizophrenia with paranoia tendencies.  In discussion with the doctor after the admission interview I was able to learn that making them competent to stand trial does not necessarily mean they are symptom free.  The gentleman we spoke with today suffers from delusions, but he can tell right from wrong and is able to be coherent to time place and person.  Doctor thinks he already is competent to stand trial, and admittedly he is sticking with his medication routine (which is very hard to have done when they get sent back to jail apparently). The more time we spend there we learn more and more about how the justice system really fucks with those that are truly severely mentally ill, how they can spend long periods of times being evaluated only to never possibly stand trial, be sent out into the community with little to no resources (lack of funding don't you know) and with some of them highly likely to not stay on their meds....sometimes it is no wonder they re-offend.  Now, I am in no way shape or form condoning unlawful behavior by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes there are truly people who have such a high degree of mental illness that they have no idea.  I have seen these people suffering their sentences through therapy and medication, understanding now, only when it is too late, what they have done.  I wish the system could have helped them sooner.
No song to leave with today, kind of a serious subject I suppose.  But two quotes, one of which I do not know the author of but I have often seen at one of my medical clinics "See me not as a mental illness, but first as a person".
From Ever After, 1998, "If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them? "

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You know what really grinds my gears?!?

Ok, before I tell you, that title...it's a reference to Family Guy.  If you didn't know that, I thought you should, because I love that show.  Okay, so also in case you didn't know, the Seattle Storm won the WNBA championship tonight.  It was a close but great game.  So of course I post on FB (facebook duh) about how glad I am that they won and it was such an intense game.  So this guy I know from HS, whom I've always thought of as a pretty level headed, pro girls, liberal type of dude posts this:


Grant R Now if the City of Seattle could just get a championship that mattered.


So of course, this just pisses me off.  And various levels of the stupidness comments ensue such as:

That doesn't change the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, the WNBA doesn't really matter as a professional sport.
Oh come on...do you honestly, and objectively, think women athletes are competing at the same level as men?
And I, personally, posted a comment the other day congratulating them after winning game one...but WNBA is not a major sport.
Jaime, they should be compared because women's sports are not nearly as entertaining as men's sports. That's why they aren't (and likely never will be) as popular. That's why they don't matter as much, because people aren't watching them.
An
d yes, it is the only championship the city has won lately, but if the Rainiers win the PCL championship it won't matter, either. When the Tacoma Stars won a a championship, it didn't matter. Because these sports aren't important on a grand scale.

I want to respect everyone's right to have an opinion, but come on?!?  I should clarify that all of the comments listed here were not from this one person, but also from some of his friends.  Should I point out how many FIFA world cups the women have won and how many the men have NOT?  Or should I talk about other items I see as not entertaining sports....BASEBALL?  Really, nine fucking innings of retardness to have scores like 3-1 and such?  At least we can get scores like that in 90 minutes during soccer, why drag out the agony of this oh so "entertaining" baseball game...

I am a female athlete.  My best friend is a female athlete as are a lot of other friends, and at least one of my nieces (hopefully my other one will be too).  Frances, my youngest niece, is almost 2 years old and I pray to god that she grows up to be an athlete like her mother and me (her aunt)....I don't care if she plays baseball, basketball, or soccer, but that she plays it, enjoys it and has a good time.  And if she grows up to play a sport at a level that some stupid men might say is "not entertaining, not a major sport, not real"....well I will be all the more proud of her.

And in honor of the US Women's Soccer Team, their them song from last year:
"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me 

Monday, September 13, 2010

September, already, really?!?

Okay so I'm not quite four weeks post surgery, and as of tomorrow I'm one week into the school semester.  Not too bad, all things considered.  The giant bruise/hematoma on the left side of my mid abdomen region still hasn't gone down, but I have a follow up appointment with the doctor on Wednesday so hopefully he'll have some more positive news for me on that front.  Ooh, speaking of the positives, have to give a shout out to my Seattle Storm, who are currently 1-0 in the series lead for the finals against Atlanta Dream.  Tomorrow is game #2 and Kerry and I are super excited.
My first clinical rotation this semester: psych.  And not just your average run of the mill psych, we're talking criminally insane people.  Center for Forensic Services at Western State Hospital, have my own ID badge and set of keys.  That makes me feel....well not quite important but at least trusted!  Definitely more time on my schedule this semester.  As soon as doc clears me for cardio I am so back in the gym.  Ugh, it's been too long of a hiatus that is for certain.
Back to classes though, this semester I have mental health, medical surgical nursing, pharmacology (which i already love) and foundations of professional nursing (which is a fuck ton of reading).
Found out a couple of weeks ago that my aunt got diagnosed with breast cancer.  Never a good thing of course, but I'm glad to report that they were able to remove all masses with surgery and she will have a brief round of chemo (or radiation i can't remember) but the doctors expect her to have a full remission.  Now of course this is great news, but scary for the family as of course we all need to be extra diligent with our breast exams and (if of age) our mammograms.  Not fun.  But of course all the stuff I keep learning is about prevention....healthy diet, exercise, reduce stress, get plenty of sleep.  You know, all of that stuff we tend to put on the wayside while "life" is happening.  So hard to balance, for every one of us, but we all keep trying.
Off to read, but in honor of my clinical here is the song

"Straightjacket"
Alanis Morissette


Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sive that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent