Sunday, July 04, 2010

3 Weeks Down, 5 More to Go-For Now

I've completed my 3rd week of classes, and boy are they just as tough as I thought they would be.  I am taking a break from studying today to post this blog, gotta keep my sanity intact somehow.  Back in the soccer groove again and working my way into the running groove too.  First couple games back and I've been playing goalie for indoor games....and as usual I love it.  I'm sliding out more for balls than I ever have before, now if I could just learn how to slide out onto my knees without easily pulling my groin muscles that would be awesome.  On Friday's game, I took a ball to the crotch region (mostly my inner thighs) and Niko said, "Aunt Jaime, did you get kicked in the knickies?"  It was hilarious....he's my little monkey, love that boy.
Traveled to Eastern WA yesterday for Lilith Fair with Sarah (free tickets from the storm organization, thank you very much).  Took some great pictures and had an awesome time.  Highlights of the day: people watching, cracking jokes w/Sarah and of course the awesome main stage performers: Colbie Callait, Sheryl Crow, Sugarland, Erykah Badu, and to top the evening off....Sarah Mclachlan.  Such an awesome day/night.  Of course, per usual, I am always emotionally effected by music.  Tried to warn Sarah before some songs were sang that I might get emotional...sometimes I can't even seem to help it.
Had a bit of a breakdown last week with school.  We had this, beyond imagineable, advanced pathophysiology test.  I did not do well; the test scores are not back yet, but I already know I did not do well.  Suddenly the whole situation was too overwhelming to bear.  I felt like I was the biggest idiot ever born, and attempting to do this, complete a master's degree and obtain my licensing in nursing suddenly seemed like the most stupid idea I had ever come up with to date.  It was not a good night here in the Minnock household as I prepared to study for the impossible test and yet still feel like I even had a brain left.  But, the test is over now, and I'm using it as a way to improve and change my studying for that class going forward.  I keep telling myself that no one has failed out of the program yet....and I sure as hell will not be the first.
It felt like a few years ago I lost myself, but I'm getting myself back...or at least understanding, loving, and accepting myself for who I am.  Not who someone expects me to be, or what I SHOULD be (which we all know I never do what I should do), or what I could be....but just being ok with who and what I am.  Also, learning to not being defined...neither by my sexuality, my mind, my personality...I resist definement.  How's that?  And with that...I head back to studying...but not before I leave you with a song of course.

Sarah McLachlan, Stupid.
"Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you


how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see


everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know"

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