Wednesday, April 15, 2009
You know what I mean, right? You get to that point where all of the little things have started to add up, up, up and up and suddenly they are right on top of you and there is nothing you can do and all you want to do is scream and cry and kick your way out of it, like you are trying to surface from under the biggest tidal wave. And then you do and its peaceful and calm and the water is blue and the oxygen fills your lungs....yeah I'm waiting for that peaceful blue moment right now. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it happens sooner than later. On another note, have you ever had this thing (a thought, a person, an issue, a concern, etc) that you just couldn't get out of your head, no matter how hard you tried? That even though you deny it, you ignore it for as long as possible, push it aside in your mind, not feeding it by dwelling on it...even though you do all of those things, despite having any sustenance to do so, it stays strong inside of you, a silent but deadly reminder that it won't just go away. How does it live on despite the absence of any type of positive feedback that should keep it around? And then I just think....hell this is who I am right? It has to roll around in my head forever until I can find the "answer" so that I can be right or whatever it is I need to feel better about it. Okay, now I am just free flow typing and I'm not even sure I'm making sense, but I don't care, it's my blog, I just want to write. I used to write, I used to have an outlet for some of this stuff. Some of that has been denied to me, for better or worse, but I still do sometimes. I write where nobody else can see it, where only I have access to it, where I am the only person there to put out every secret thought I have, especially those that no one wants to hear about but me. "How are you?" people ask, but they don't want the real answer do they, we all want to hear, "I'm good, how are you?" and so that's what we say. To our closest we say, no really, how are you, because we care and we want to know and we want to help, empathize, sympathize, whatever it may be. What's my point with this conversation....I don't know, I don't have one, do I ever?!?! "Oh baby dont you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan? You caught me under false pretenses How long before you let me go? You set my soul alight"
Posted by Nurse Jaime at 11:33