Monday, February 23, 2009

Chance, Fate, Destiny?

I can't help thinking about those things these days. I know I probably shouldn't, some would say it's not dealing with what I can control but worrying about that which I have no control. But its those things that I worry about. I have to believe that the things that are meant to happen will happen, even if not on the time schedule I would like. I need to believe in myself, and the knowledge that no matter what comes my way, I will be okay, I will survive and hopefully thrive. I have to remember that I have friends who love me and care about me, and a family that does the same. I try to remind myself of all of these things on the days when it is not going the way that I would like it to, that everything is not combining in a way to make it my most positive upbeat uplifting type of day. Or as a friend (or two) recently used and I will borrow from here, an "I am under the bell jar" type of day. But what do you do when you are someone who wants to talk, who needs to talk, and yet the thing you want to talk about is something that nobody wants to hear about, that people do not understand, that makes you feel more alone in the world than anything else?!? Then what do you do, well you try to be a person who doesn't want/need to talk about stuff, you hide it inside of you and hope that it doesn't show to everyone else and that nobody notices. You hope that it goes away, even though you are pretty sure that it won't, ever. How do you let go of something that has gripped you so fiercely, so intensely, that you know deep down inside, that you are right, that no matter what the world shows you or what you perceive/perceived, you know you were right. How do you look at what everyone says is true and know that it is false? You don't right, you tell yourself you are crazy, that people know better than you, that you must be wrong. And then you cycle through it all over again. Please don't read this blog and think I need you to call and check on me. I don't, and you don't need to. I am okay and will always be. "I miss the sound of your voice, The loudest thing in my head, And I ache to remember, All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said"

2 comments:

LeClaire said...

When you feel like no one wants to listen, you talk to God, ***or who ever you believe is listening*** as well as talking to yourself is a good idea...just don't answer yourself, it could then become confusing for all parties involved. How about keeping a journal that only you can read, that way you can dump all you want and answer yourself on it later if the need arises?!!!

LeCLaire said...

I love you, OH...and you haven't been calling me....jerk. You could be dumping on me...but no... you are too good to call me way up in Camano Island!!! Kidding of course...