Friday, October 17, 2008

missed one

Alas dear readers, I did not mean to keep you in suspense of another exciting edition of my blog. However, soccer games being what they are, and then of course after soccer party celebrations being what they are, conspired last night to prevent me from returning home until almost midnight. I went out after soccer with Jess, Sarah & Celina (Kim, of the birthday cupcake fame having already been scheduled previously to a dinner with her husband and father, whatever) to Canyons restaurant in Redmond. For the love of god, we had the worst bartender/waiter dude that I have ever had in my life. At first we just thought he sucked, but no, after much reflection (as it took him almost an hour and four repeated attempts of asking for it to get the bill) we came to the conclusion that he was definitely “ON SOMETHING” as they say. Needless to say, it felt like an episode of the twilight zone and we seriously thought we might not be able to leave the place. But, leave we did, and I managed to make it home, only to have a slight breakdown on the way home (yeah, pms & music conspiring against me) and i ended up in a crying jag that would not stop for at least twenty minutes after I returned home. *sigh* will it ever end. So I found out yesterday that now the doctor does not believe I have a leak. They believe that what fluid I have been losing is due the processing of doing the fills, so I go back in on Tuesday for another fill. Hopefully this will provide me with better restriction, which means more weight loss, which means a leaner meaner fighting machiner….ME!! Ha ha. Seriously though, I just want to be faster when I run when I am playing soccer, that is all what its about. Some of you will probably notice that my spelling/grammar/correct use of cases is more accurate in this post. That is because I am typing it in Word and transferring over to blogger when I am completed, and word being what it is it automatically corrects how I would like to be typing. How annoying. Okay so time for the emotional deep thinking portion of my blog, I know you have all desperately been waiting for it, and who am I to disappoint (of course assuming any of you actually think I can be emotionally deep, I prefer to think of myself as emotionally shallow…or just shallow in general). Anyway, I try to think of myself as a good person, sometimes I succeed at actually being one. Sometimes I do not. But when I am in the throws of one of those trips down into the deep dark well, I often wonder why me, why is it me that has to feel this way, why is it me that has to experience the things I am experiencing, and what is the point to it all?!? Now, normally we sometimes question, existentially, our existence. This is not what I mean. I mean the sense of what I have done wrong, karmically, in my past or present, which has now caught up with me and has a firm hold on one foot to keep me grounded at the entrance to that dark well. And when someone hurts me, being the not nice person I am, I secretly wish that they would hurt too. That makes me bad right? If you believe wholeheartedly in something, accept it as the truth of what is and what will be, how do you hold on long enough until that truth comes into existence? How do you make people around you see and feel the truth of that also? Okay enough for now.

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