Tuesday, September 02, 2008

29th..

so after my appointments today i found out that i am expected to be out of work until september 29th. thats slightly more than a month since i first left work. i am not quite sure how to feel about that. a part of me is of course happy that i get to not work for the next four weeks, i mean hell, who would not be?!? but on the other hand, i am worried about how to fill my time, how to stay busy, how to make sure i am becoming the healthiest me that i can be. on top of that, what will happen when i do return to work, that will feel awkward also. so i also got a second medication today. seraquil its called. i told the doctor about the problems with sleeping. this apparently is supposed to help, help quiet the racing thoughts in my brain as well as to help relax me at night, help me sleep on a more regular cycle like i would like. she also thinks that this problem with sleeping is what is causing my headaches at night. go figure. the term the doctor and counselor used as to why i need to be out of work is so that i stabilize on my medication. when the medications doctor read to me all the symptoms i described when i first came in to see her, i almost started crying. it hurt to hear those things, and remember that i was feeling them all~suicidal thoughts, isolation, lack of motivation, lack of confidence, fear. all of those things i was feeling, just a short time ago. and i can remember them so quickly, thats what bothers me, makes me concerned that as anyone knows...you can slip down into that hole again at any time. watched three movies already today. the bucket list, which was pretty funny and had a good message. then watched jumper, which was okay for the most part, but the ending pretty much sucked. then we watched affinity. this is a movie that i chose as it was based on a novel that i have read by sarah waters. for those not in the know, sarah waters writes lesbian fiction, usually in the victorian era. i of course had read this novel, but forgot the storyline, until the ending,which is not necessarily a happy one. excellent choice, crazy girl, pick the lesbian love story that ends up to be a story where the girl kills herself at the end because she gets screwed by the girl she falls in love with and the girl who she falls in love with runs away with her other lover. GREAT choice. although it does yield a pretty good quote: "We will all fly to someone, we will all return to that piece of shining matter from which our souls were torn with another, two halves of the same...now has that other soul, that has the affinity with her soul." a bewitching idea is it not. easy to see why the poor girl in this story (who is recovering from a suicide attempt) is so drawn in by the person that tells her this. anyway, it was a bit too deep and related for the evening. um, no comments, and no answers to my survey question. is anyone out there...hello, bueller, bueller?!? xoxo-Lacey Canyon

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