Tuesday, September 30, 2008

9021OOOOOOOOOOOOooohhhhhhhhh

okay so no, i havent really been watching this show. but when i got home tonight and sat here with kerry it happened to be on while we were doing some stuff online and boy i have to say, shannen doherty is looking a bit puffy around the face. okay granted, we all change in looks as we get older, but shes an actress so that means its my god given right to comment on her appearance, right? oh wait a second, this one also seems a lot racier than i remember the original being...but enough about that. today was day two back at work and i have to admit it was not the toughest day i have ever had. first of all we had a team quarterly evening this evening (it was supposed to be paddle boats at greenlake but those are locked up now and then it was supposed to be mini golf but the team bailed on that one too), so we ended up having dinner at red mill burger on phinney ridge. i had never been there before but the food was decent. omg my peanut butter and chocolate milkshake was to die for. oh wait, i didnt eat that,shhhh don't tell anyone. ha ha. so after that it was only five o'clock and whats a girl to do in seattle in rush hour traffic when she is not quite ready to drive home. well hell if i know but when i figure it out i will get back to you. i ended up at my bosses place meeting her new kitten. oh the exciting times in my life, i know you are all totally jealous! so tomorrow, another early day ahead of me. its only 9 o'clock but i will be hitting the sack soon, in the hopes of getting more than a few hours of sleep. although my nighttime pill helps with the sleeping, it is unfortunately not the cure all when there are stresses weighing on my mind. xoxo

Monday, September 29, 2008

Alive

well feel free to not ask me how i am doing as i will likely just tell you that i am alive. i got an email from a girl who had surgery the same day that i did and it turns out they think she has a leaking problem too. so then she sent out a post online and found a whole bunch of people in the area that have the same problem, some have filed lawsuits, some of them are with the doctor i used, etc etc etc. yeah, that just added to the stress of my day, and she was a self pay patient. i have no idea what it means for me since i was on insurance. my first day back to work went okay. i guess you could say i still dont really want to be working, but hey, who does, right? this was of course made slightly more difficult by the fact that my head still hurts from cracking it against someone elses skull on friday during soccer. so i have a headache still from that. i also have a leaky band, and a bruised heart. anyone want to buy me for a dollar? what it is about hope that is so hard to let go of sometimes. wanting to believe the best in someone and wanting to hope for the best, it is so hard to let go of sometimes, and othertimes we simply cannot let go. that hope just...well hope floats. i heard that in a movie onetime i think... xoxo-LC

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Leaking and Hurting

okay lest any of you get grossed out and not read further the reference to leaking is not related to say womanly problems. let me explain, i went in for a fill on monday (last week). while i was there, the doctor discovered that i didnt have as much fluid in my band as i am supposed to. he then proceeded to tell me that i have a leak and that i will have to have a contrast x-ray and then he will be able to fix it. so i clarified of course and by fixing it, he means that i will have to have more surgery. arent you all excited for me?!?! more surgery, more pain killers (which possibly means more effects on my antidepressant situation) and of course more time off from work. woohoo. so i have come to terms with this mostly but it still does suck and of course causes a lot of qusetions. will i have to re-do every single fill i have already had, will it be a full surgery again or just some kind of partial fix, what caused the leak, if it wasn't my fault do i still have to pay for the whole thing...so many questions. tomorrow is my first day back to work, i am also feeling pretty anxious over this event of course. it is always awkward to go back to work, even when i have only been out for a sick day. but another month and a half off and going back to work makes me feel like i am some kind of freak. of course no one at work really knows the full reason for why i have been out of work, but it still feels pretty awkward. please everyone keep positive thoughts for me tomorrow as it will be hard. added to this stress and the one mentioned above, i have also managed to get someone pretty angry at me over the weekend. now granted, this person did something that they should not have, and as a result is now paying their own consequences. however, those of you who know me best, know that having someone upset at me (whether justified or not) pretty much adds to my general anxiety and the knot that lies within my stomach. so, yes, stress is just coming at me in abundance right now. i am doing my best to manage and mend where i can. but sometimes you just have to wonder....what is the big guy thinking sometimes?!? xoxo-Lacey Canyon

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fun & Exciting Times

last night at the hicks house was hilarious folks. i know some of this wont make sense to other people but i have to share. first off, tiffany and i decided to go to tacoma boys to get stuff for dinner. at tacoma boys i happened to get flirted with in the meat department, cant tell you all of the details cause that would take forever, but needless to say it was a nice ego boost. i even got a wink from the guy....and we all know how i feel about winkers. :) so we were at tacoma boys for way to long and i bought way too much beef jerky. go figure. so we get home and will asks if we remembered some diet soda. we of course had forgot (in our defense i do not think that they had diet soda there, we looked in the refrigerated section for quite awhile), so of course after having told will the whole story about the flirty meat guy tiffany busts out with, "well maybe if the diet soda had been in the meat section we would have remembered it" and for some reason i thought this was the funniest thing ever. now keep in mind i had already been laughing pretty hard with tiff and devan on the way home from tacoma boys anyway. so tiffany was cooking up some mushrooms in butter and garlic (yummy) and devan decided that she had to be "chef" with us. so she stirred in the pan for, oh say, 45 seconds and then up and says, "well chef needs a break" and off she goes. it was so random but hilarious tiffany and i started busting up then and there. oh good lord just not enough to even describe it now you soo had to be there. oh yeah, and big guy will, he ate FOUR ears of corn. that was hilarious also. oh and tiffany and i discovered we eat corn differently (only took 19 years to figure that out). and that progressed into a discussion of removing tattoos, getting new tattoos of corn (dont ask), and then picture stories of our whole evening. yeah ok i realize this is all more than anyone will get but the parties involved. today ended up being a rough day. i had a counseling appointment this morning, and although it went well (as they can go anyway) it of course is emotionally draining and a lot to deal with. i ended up getting pretty sad in the afternoon. talked to a few people, didnt feel enough better, so went outside to do yard work. i am now very sore with very sore fingers as i tore and hacked at stuff in the front yard. one more whole bush removed. the stump from the big tree bush still remains though. oh and i chopped down the stuff that was in between two of the hedges in the front. the yard waste bin is full again though and still so much more to do. maybe i will have to make a yard waste run to the dump or something. tomorrow is soccer, yeah. then friday we have a storm game, another yeah. xoxo-Lacey Canyon

Monday, September 08, 2008

wow!

i thought for sure someone would have something to say about my last post, but hey, no worries. i am glad to not have to face anyones wrath! ha ha. so lets see, yesterday, two soccer games were played and the storm season ticket holder event was attended. a fun time was had by all. for the first time, we got up in line really early and did not have to wait around as long to get all the signatures that kerry needed for her posters. woohoo. so at my first game, i scored a goal, so exciting, but what makes it even better is that it was off of my left foot. hello, not my dominant foot, the other one, you know the annoying one with the plantar fasciitis. way to go me! at my second game my trainer came out to watch, so that was exciting. i actually had two fans on the sidelines and even better, this is my competitive womens team so he got to witness a good game. but we won, which makes that even more sweet. have to say that there are still a few special people not at my games these days, but hey, maybe they will come see one again someday. oh my gosh, my trainer has got a sweet ride. mercedes, convertible, pretty freaking fancy. kind of cracks me up because he is so tall though and the car looks like it would be way too short for him, but its not. actually fits him and his personality once i saw him in it, totally hilarious. now its monday. have not accomplished much yet for the day, but hoping to do so eventually. ha ha. xoxo-LC

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Suck

that is what i just told kerry. i suck. kerry wants to play a lego wii game, but i left indiana jones lego at nate's house. my bad. three tequila shots and three beers (working on my fourth here at home) probably not a good combination for me. go figure. but hey i am going to do it anyway. hoping to sweat it off at my soccer game in the morning. that should be a good time i am sure. storm won tonight. yeah. kerry and i sat courtside which was pretty cool. kerry couldnt see sometimes when people stood up because she is so freaking short. but hey, i could see. and the four people next to us left at half time so we had lots of space next to us. turns out that there is a lot of leg room in those courtside seats. i texted a lot during the game as i was pretty drunk and entertaining myself..texting Michelle, chellie, crystal, erin. nobody was safe from my texting. but amazingly enough very few people responded. hmm i wonder that was. oh well, no matter for me, right? home now, took my nighttime pill, having another beer, maybe playing some wii and then going to bed. good times! xoxo Lacey Canyon

Quick

have you ever noticed how quickly things can change, anything in the world? how in one instant you can go from feeling like you are on top of the world to suddenly feeling like you are at the very bottom and that nothing you do or say matters? i am not sure that is exactly how i feel, but it is an exaggeration that i can write to make people understand how i feel sometimes, to give you an example or a glimpse perhaps at what it is i go through. i have had at least one person try to ask if i am bi-polar. i do not think this to be the case, as i do not have the manic highs associated with bipolar disorder. but hey, what do i know anymore these days, right?!? so tired sometimes, tired of trying to be everything to everybody, when i do not even know what to be to myself. what do i want, how do i get it, what if what i want is wrong or turns out to be not the best thing, then what? start over. i feel so old for that. going out recently it feels like i am in a whole new world that i cant even find a place in. when it used to seem like i was so sure of everything, so sure of myself, knew exactly who i was and where i was at. now...well who knows? if you find out for me can you let me know. i am not sure how much i will be posting in the coming days and weeks, so please dear readers try not to be too disappointed or worried. those of you that care know how to find me. xoxo Lacey Canyon

It's Saturday!

yes i know, not the most original title for my post, but hey i am sick so cut me just a little bit of slack. i have a sinus infection. no, i have not gone to the doctors, but trust me, i have had them frequently enough to know when i have one. and its still kind of like summer, that is really lame. being sick and it being summer. oh yeah, and its saturday and there is a storm game tonight and i have two soccer games tomorrow....nevermind. so went to the fair with tiffany and niko yesterday. poor niko, we wiped him out. by the time we got into the car he was passed out asleep within just a few minutes. it was soo crowded. it was free yesterday if you were in before noon, and we apparently underestimated how many people would be in full force for the freebies. go figure. and like everyone else, people were lined up at the food places..like scones, krusty pups, earthquake burgers. mmm, fair food. so now i am going to read, relax, and probably sleep a bit more before the excitement of the evening. i am sad to have been missing johns dads honorary guard service, but i just could not get myself out of bed this morning. i still want more sleep. being sick sucks! xoxo-Lacey

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Everybody clap your hands...

okay so it was what was on the tv at the moment that i decided to start this blog. at home watching the recorded storm vs. sky game. i already know the outcome, but hey, still have to see how the team does in actual play. spent the evening with the eikenberry family. that was a lot of fun. nate bbq'd salmon and we had salad and it was pretty tasty. we also shared a few c minuses after gaius went to bed, but if you dont know what c minus is, im not going to tell you. it's a henny thing, you wouldnt understand. ha ha. going to the fair tomorrow. tiffany and i are going to take niko down there as its free before noon. what better way to entertain the three year old than to let his aunt load him up with sugary treats and then have his mom take him home and try to get him to sleep. little monkey told me my hair was brown today, after i asked him, when i specifically dyed all of it bright light blonde last night. go figure. two more minutes until midnight. happy friday everyone. LC

Stuck

have you ever felt stuck? in a holding pattern, wondering what to do. do you go forward, hoping for the best, best foot forward, and all of those other things they tell you. do you go backwards, hoping to correct the wrongs that have been done, hoping to say or do the right things this time around. or do you stay where you are, stuck to the core, because you are too scared or too worried to do anything, but stand there waiting for the storm to wash over you. how much of a life do we spend in fear i wonder. i know i am not the only one. i was reading the cover of a book at the bookstore yesterday about couples, ones that stay together because it is comfortable and secure. it discussed how couples should chose passion, that too often people stay together when they have lost the passion because they are scared of trying again, of doing something different, of giving up that security. i think thats because they are scared right? i mean who hasnt stayed in a BAD relationship because they are scared, thats why people that are victims of domestic violence get stuck, fear. so how do we move past the fear? dont expect much of what i am typing to make sense, these are just random things i am thinking about. they do not necessarily apply to me, or imply that anything is wrong with me (well other than the obvious of course). ha ha. i keep thinking about different songs and quotes as well, but i am not sure blogging with just a whole bunch of quotes or lyrics would make much sense to most of you. one or two of you, yes probably. storm game on saturday. i cant believe there are only two regular games left of the season. they are away tonight, playing chicago. lets hope we can win so that we can cinch a playoff spot. oh, and at saturdays game~we are sitting courtside. that is exciting, right?!? two soccer games and a season ticket holder party on sunday. busy weekend. Lacey Canyon-xoxo

Urge

i think the urge to blog is getting dimmer and dimmer with less and less comments i have been getting. it must be totally true, i want to be the center of attention. i want to know that people are reading what i am writing, that i do not have to feel so alone in my writing, in my thoughts, in my feelings. but i guess that is the point right? in the long run we are all alone, even if we are not. i worked out this morning with tiffany. her y is undergoing a remodel of some kind so she and Niko journeyed this way to work out with me at my y. it was a good workout. i am glad that i went. afterwards we came back to my house to grab some nice cold water and then decided to take niko over to the park so he could run around. he did a goood job at the nursery at the y and i think he deserved that running around at the park. ha ha. so now i am home and watching desperate housewives. too much thinking is happening yet again. i cant stop thinking about a couple of different things. oh well, who cares, right? its not a big deal. just another turn on the crazy train, right? LC

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Anxiety

it is already the third of september. doesnt that seem like it came much too quickly to anyone else but me? my nieces went back to school today. i know that the younger one had a great day and is looking forward to going back tomorrow. hopefully will hear how the eldest one did, but i am sure she did just fine. she is a good girl like that. got my hair cut today at the tacoma mall. my regular girl drew is out after having surgery so a girl named faith did my hair. i like it, and she did a good job with the cut. then went and bought my sister her stroller and xtra base for the baby. and some clothes. good lord my newest niece should be well outfitted by the time she comes along. but my sister and her boyfriend are very thankful and were happy to receive the gifts. went out to dinner at a chinese place and then went for ice cream. yummy. feeling a little anxiety over this weekend. not exactly sure why, but worried how things will go, how i will feel, how everyone else will feel. worried i will be hurt. kerry said that is likely to happen either way as you all know me, too sensitive by far. but is that so bad? i have missed, greatly, what if the feeling is not reciprocated. what if all i have known has completely changed, then what? oh, so much more i could write about this subject, and i am sure i will, privately. enough for this blog...sigh. blogging while high again you could say. i just took my seroquel and i think its finally starting to kick in. it sort of gives me the feeling of drinking without actually drinking. isnt that handy. xoxo

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

29th..

so after my appointments today i found out that i am expected to be out of work until september 29th. thats slightly more than a month since i first left work. i am not quite sure how to feel about that. a part of me is of course happy that i get to not work for the next four weeks, i mean hell, who would not be?!? but on the other hand, i am worried about how to fill my time, how to stay busy, how to make sure i am becoming the healthiest me that i can be. on top of that, what will happen when i do return to work, that will feel awkward also. so i also got a second medication today. seraquil its called. i told the doctor about the problems with sleeping. this apparently is supposed to help, help quiet the racing thoughts in my brain as well as to help relax me at night, help me sleep on a more regular cycle like i would like. she also thinks that this problem with sleeping is what is causing my headaches at night. go figure. the term the doctor and counselor used as to why i need to be out of work is so that i stabilize on my medication. when the medications doctor read to me all the symptoms i described when i first came in to see her, i almost started crying. it hurt to hear those things, and remember that i was feeling them all~suicidal thoughts, isolation, lack of motivation, lack of confidence, fear. all of those things i was feeling, just a short time ago. and i can remember them so quickly, thats what bothers me, makes me concerned that as anyone knows...you can slip down into that hole again at any time. watched three movies already today. the bucket list, which was pretty funny and had a good message. then watched jumper, which was okay for the most part, but the ending pretty much sucked. then we watched affinity. this is a movie that i chose as it was based on a novel that i have read by sarah waters. for those not in the know, sarah waters writes lesbian fiction, usually in the victorian era. i of course had read this novel, but forgot the storyline, until the ending,which is not necessarily a happy one. excellent choice, crazy girl, pick the lesbian love story that ends up to be a story where the girl kills herself at the end because she gets screwed by the girl she falls in love with and the girl who she falls in love with runs away with her other lover. GREAT choice. although it does yield a pretty good quote: "We will all fly to someone, we will all return to that piece of shining matter from which our souls were torn with another, two halves of the same...now has that other soul, that has the affinity with her soul." a bewitching idea is it not. easy to see why the poor girl in this story (who is recovering from a suicide attempt) is so drawn in by the person that tells her this. anyway, it was a bit too deep and related for the evening. um, no comments, and no answers to my survey question. is anyone out there...hello, bueller, bueller?!? xoxo-Lacey Canyon

Thought

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. something along the lines that if a person isnt around in your life that your exaggerate their benefits and positives so that in your heart you miss them, even more if they had been in your life that whole time. do i believe that? i am not sure. the flipside to that is what hannibal lecter says, "how do we begin to covet, we covet that which we see everyday" (yes i know you will all think i'm totally freaky crazy for quoting a horror movie, but anthony hopkins is amazing anyway). so which is it do you suppose? do we love those we are around all the time, or do we love those whom we miss most, those whom we do not have any contact with. perhaps it is all just overrated. i wonder if love exists in any ideal sense outside of the stories that we read or the things we see on the tv. perhaps we can never realize what it truly is because we dont understand it. i know ive posted about this before, but how do we understand love, how do we grasp it in our hands and hold it close to us and understand it. or perhaps that is just it, perhaps love is a lot like religion in some aspects, its a matter of faith. love is a feeling that has to be taken on faith that it is what the person says it is when they say it to you. i miss writing, i miss typing as much as i have used to do it. perhaps when i return to work?!?! ha ha. xoxo

I'm Late, I'm Late..

okay i am not really late. i have two appointments today so i am just reminding myself that i cant be late or miss these appointments today. *sigh* oh well. at least i know i will be busy.

so i managed to get the "bush" cut down yesterday. turns out its a freaking tree people. so the stump is what remains. i started digging the stump out only that it turns out it is much bigger than i expected, so i might have to get some help on that one. oh and heres a funny part to add. i started using the fixed chainsaw that manly ray fixed for me. it seemed weird that it wasnt really cutting anything it just seemed to be burning the wood with friction. so i called ray and asked if it was possible that the chain was on backwards he said yeah sorry. no worries i had him show me how he did it so i fixed it myself (well after 2 tries anyway) and got that baby working all on my own. yup thats me, i am a serious lezzie that can fix power tools. woohoo.

so after i realized that i couldnt get the stump out and the yard waste bin was mostly full i decided i might as well do a few other things. i mowed the lawn and watered it afterwards. then i decided to vaccuum out my car and clean the car mats. then that wasnt enough, i decided that i wanted to clean out the garage. so yeah, it was a day for cleaning and such apparently. i think that cleaning is one of those things that helps settle my mind, keeps me on track. although on another note, yesterday was the first day i started to feel better mostly (i might have mentioned that already, but here you are getting it again). not perfect, not 100% yet, but better.

so i think i am going back to work on the 8th or the 15th. will see what the appointments decide today and hopefully my FMLA will cover. i think i would like to have the extra week, but hell, who would not want to have that!

HEY PEOPLE-what happened to my comments. i was getting them pretty consistently there for awhile, but now...nothing except one from Tiff in the last few days. what gives?!?

three more days.

Lacey Canyon is out!

Monday, September 01, 2008

You will be assimilated..

okay so i am watching a star trek the next generation marathon, so sue me. okay or dont sue me, but it is okay you can brand me as a nerd, i have already accepted that. i probably should get up soon and go take care of the 1/2 bush in my front yard, so as long as it doesnt rain i will most likely do that soon. but hey if i become a landscaper i should get use to doing this stuff in the rain anyway, right? i was talking last night about possibly needing a job with more activity in it. when i am busy physically, my brain does not have time to seep in and remind me i am depressed, or to make me think of all the things that i should not that make me depressed. i have been testing myself lately. looking at things/dealing with things that would normally bum me out and seeing how i do. for the most part, i think i do okay with them. some of the things though, yeah they still get to me and still get me down. have to avoid that stuff i guess for a little while longer. keep telling myself that it has only been two weeks. but i am an impatient girl and i like things to happen RIGHT NOW. sigh, if only the world was that easy, right? well everyone, my guess would be that you should expect a lot of posts today. i am feeling overly wordy. is that a good thing or a bad thing, i dont know. once upon a time i used to write some stories, get all my wordiness out that way. havent been doing that lately. wonder if i will be doing so again anytime soon.. xoxo

September, sigh..

okay so i promised another blog last night, however i was too tired by the time i got home to do so, i apologize dear readers. it is monday now, a day which i am usually dreading, however having been out of work for a bit, mondays do not seem like the worst thing ever anymore. i know i said i was going to post about love, but have since change my mind on that as well. how can i post about a subject that is so wide yet so small and its features so wholly unknown to me yet known to me at the same time. love feels like the most basic of emotions, something every human craves, yet no one understands. so i wont presume to do so in a post that can only briefly touch on the subject. bbq at tiff and wills was fun yesterday. good food, good peeps, good times. when i got home kerry and i ended up going to chad and carlos house. they were having a bbq too and have been worried about me. i ended up playing rock band there for the first time ever and omg i loved it! i totally want that game, if it wasnt so freaking expensive. oh well, perhaps someday i will own it, ha ha. puyallup fair starts this friday. im hoping to convince tiffany to go with me and we can take niko on friday. saturday there is another storm game and johns dads graveside memorial service. so i will be in lynnwood on saturday morning, driving up north yet again. sometimes i feel like i drive all over...but for the right things i do not mind whatsoever. love you all. xoxox ps-taking a survey, if you want the emails of my blog to come directly to you let me know, if you would rather visit the blogsite to read my posts let me know that. i dont want to clutter anyones inbox with emails they dont want. thanks!