Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Finally, Fixed!!

yes dear readers, i am finally back online to my blog. i realize its been over a month since ive posted and i sincerely apologize. so much has happened, gee where to start. most of you already know this, but i had my...hmmm..."breakdown" last week. i have been out from work for over a week now and am still being babysat daily by the hicks family and taken care of at night and morning by kerry. really though i cant say i mind the babysitting aspect, especially since i get to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew. its hard to feel down when you are around those kids, dont ask me why, even when they are being mean to me and beating up on me i still love being with them. thank god to tiffany and will for reproducing those monsters. its so hard not to feel guilty knowing how many people care about me. thank you to all of that, i wish i could repay that someday, but know that i cannot. it makes me want to be better for all of you though, that is what is hard. i consider myself a smart person. as someone who prides herself on her intellectual strengths, it is hard not to be down on myself for not being able to fix this problem. i can do anything i set my mind to right??? well turns out sometimes, thats not the case. so one day at a time, get up, get ready, go to bed...and repeat. throw some activities in there during the days and you pretty much have my life in a nutshell at the moment. i have another soccer tournament this weekend, at least this one is in seattle. i am excited to play, we have uniforms and everything. our team name is We are All Single (even though i dont think it technically true). the games are being played at maplewood playfield which is apparently somewhere near corson avenue. i have never played there but hopefully i will be able to find it. saturdays games are at 11 and 1, sunday at 9 and 11 am. so freaking early for me. *sigh* so i have decided that the worst thing for me right now has been time alone. i spend a lot of time filling my mind up with nonsense stuff like movies or books. otherwise i have to be around people just to keep my mind from wandering to things that it shouldnt be focused on. what is that quote they always say, "an idle mind is the devils playground". i have found that to be true for me. with not enough filling my head i tend to think about what was, what is, what will be, what will never be. all of it, and if i focus on it too much, it drags me down. i have to WORK at staying out of that dark hole. i guess life isnt easy, sheesh, i would like a refund! and amazingly my once infallible intuition and instinct, well apparently it might have finally failed. go figure. not to worry dear readers, i will rise above as i always do. probably will just take some time. xoxo


Anonymous said...

Just keep plugging away.

Anonymous said...

Think of Dori in Finding Nemo: "just keep swimming just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."