Friday, August 29, 2008

Awake Anyone?

its 3am again and i am awake. this pretty much sucks. ive been laying in bed for a few hours, but am still wide awake. i finally decided to give into it and come downstairs and blog, lucky for all of you. i skipped the storm game tonight, went to my soccer game instead. my team played at marymoor field and it was a playoff game. luckily enough, we won, which is pretty exciting. i got a friend to take some pictures too with my camera, so i actually have a team picture. after what, playing on this team and managing it for the last two or three years. woohoo. at soccer i shared with a few of the girls what was going on with me, what had been going on in the last few weeks. there is always that fear when you share this information with people that they wont understand or they will judge you more harshly than they should, or at least than you expect. but then when they dont, you are surprised, surprised to find support and love and caring when you didnt expect it. i think that is the hardest thing about the depression really, logically i know that people love and care about me, but when you are feeling so down, as down as i have been feeling...you just cant feel it or believe it. i know that sounds horrible, but it is a trap of the disease i think. you feel bad, so bad that it is inconceivable that anyone else would feel about you anything but how you feel about yourself. so related to that, i assume the worst, even when i shouldnt. lack of information or lack of knowing causes the brain to go wild with speculations. beliefs about something or someone that are likely not true, but you feel that they are. rationally, you know that you cannot make those conclusions, but when has rationality ever had anything to do with me and this situation i find myself in. i couldnt rationalize myself out of a box, but i damn well guarantee you that i could tell you everything that box made me feel and perhaps something the box itself was feeling. ha ha. i have typed all of this and i am still not tired. now it is almost 3:30, why can i not sleep? perhaps it is a side effect of the new medication, i guess i can find out next week when i see the specialist again to ask her. but in the mean time, my cycle and schedule are all jacked up. SIGH xoxo

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