Sunday, August 31, 2008

Day 2 FoB

oh my, lions and tigers and...hot sweaty naked chicks baby oil wrestling in a blow up swimming pool. oh yes, these were events that happened at the soccer tournament today and in the second round included two of my own teammates. woohoo. oh and yes for my first time ever, i played soccer in just a bra and shorts. go figure, who knew i could be talked so easily out of my clothes...(wait, dont answer that question). home now, time to shower and hit the hicks house for some barbeque. but more to write later, yes actually a post about love. now before anyone gets all excited or moody on me, its not a lovey dovey piece per se, just some things i've been thinking about. xoxo

Saturday, August 30, 2008

FoB 18

so fob stands for festival of the babes. its the lesbian soccer tournament that i am playing in this weekend. i had two games today and there are two more tomorrow. so first thing, i am headed to this field (maple wood playfield in south seattle) thinking, hmm, i've never been here wonder what it is like. well i show up and it turns out i have been there before. i went to a friends softball practice at this field, so i had been there before. go me! so fob is not what i would call a serious soccer tournament. i mean the girls there like to play soccer dont get me wrong, but hello ladies! there are teams dressed up in all sorts of costumes and outfits. my teams white wifebeater with green writing (and a few girls with thongs over there shorts) seemed tame compared to some of the costumes. and a few of the team names...rode hard put away wet, lez finger it out, snacho libre...hilarious! overall the tournament has been very fun. oh and today was opening ceremonies at noon. the teams all got up and did a little cheer or skit (our team did not as we didnt know this was part of the activities, our first time playing). the ceremony was hilarious also. so we lost our two games today, but seriously this is not a huge deal, its too much fun times. like there are no offsides, when a penalty is called against you the ref "whips" you with a toy. oh and we got SWAG bags when we registered and inside were all the essentials: tampon, granola bar, stuffed animal AND a vibrator from babeland. awesome. on another note, had a rough night last night. i ended up over at kendra and ray's house again (thank god for my friends) and they had to deal with a not fun me. on the way over to their house i just had this feeling, the kind that is lingering somewhere inside and you know its there but you cannot make it go away. i so wanted it to go away, to the point where i wanted to scrape off my skin and crawl outside of myself just to not have to feel it. i know that doesnt make much sense, but trust me, if youve been there then you would understand. the evening ended for me with much crying, and two tylenol pm. luckily enough i woke up better than i feel asleep. #5 Lacey Canyon (my soccer jersey name for this tournament) signing off for now. six is the magic number for today, guess why?!?! xoxo

Friday, August 29, 2008

Simplicity

"i wish that our lives could be simple, i dont want the world, only you"~thats me singing in case you cant tell. and for those who are so uncool and have no idea, that is a line from a song from the musical AIDA. but enough about that... kerry has gone to work (a few hours ago actually) and for once i am not being babysat. i've kept myself busy and so far am doing okay. not wonderful, great, super happy, etc...but okay. i guess that is enough for now. so far today i have watched the end of firestarter and have (almost) watched all of wargames. i think this might be the second time ive posted a blog that has wargames in it, but hey, whatever. you all are reading my blog so you are my captive audience. seattle storm won their game last night, that is exciting, especially since they are without lauren jackson who is USUALLY our top scorer. i am happy that they won though, i am hoping for a deep playoff run. my soccer team also won, which i think i might have blogged about early this morning, so now i feel repetitive, hmm.... wargames is on AMC right now, which keeps showing previews for the movie two weeks notice. if you have not seen this movie it stars hugh grant and sandra bullock. anyway, in their preview they use one liners from the movie and the one that keeps sticking in my head is this, "as long as one person can change, the world can change". now im not sure im quite ready to tackle changing the world but i wonder about that phrase. can people really change? if they have always behaved a certain way is it stupidity to believe that they might one day behave another way? i think this idea might relate to my other post about having hope, that we as humans hope beyond all odds, and since we hope, i think we have to believe that people can change. that they can be the person we see them as being, that they can become better than they have ever been before if even only for a short time. the magic number today is 7, anyone know why? xoxo

Awake Anyone?

its 3am again and i am awake. this pretty much sucks. ive been laying in bed for a few hours, but am still wide awake. i finally decided to give into it and come downstairs and blog, lucky for all of you. i skipped the storm game tonight, went to my soccer game instead. my team played at marymoor field and it was a playoff game. luckily enough, we won, which is pretty exciting. i got a friend to take some pictures too with my camera, so i actually have a team picture. after what, playing on this team and managing it for the last two or three years. woohoo. at soccer i shared with a few of the girls what was going on with me, what had been going on in the last few weeks. there is always that fear when you share this information with people that they wont understand or they will judge you more harshly than they should, or at least than you expect. but then when they dont, you are surprised, surprised to find support and love and caring when you didnt expect it. i think that is the hardest thing about the depression really, logically i know that people love and care about me, but when you are feeling so down, as down as i have been feeling...you just cant feel it or believe it. i know that sounds horrible, but it is a trap of the disease i think. you feel bad, so bad that it is inconceivable that anyone else would feel about you anything but how you feel about yourself. so related to that, i assume the worst, even when i shouldnt. lack of information or lack of knowing causes the brain to go wild with speculations. beliefs about something or someone that are likely not true, but you feel that they are. rationally, you know that you cannot make those conclusions, but when has rationality ever had anything to do with me and this situation i find myself in. i couldnt rationalize myself out of a box, but i damn well guarantee you that i could tell you everything that box made me feel and perhaps something the box itself was feeling. ha ha. i have typed all of this and i am still not tired. now it is almost 3:30, why can i not sleep? perhaps it is a side effect of the new medication, i guess i can find out next week when i see the specialist again to ask her. but in the mean time, my cycle and schedule are all jacked up. SIGH xoxo

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Eternal

they say hope springs eternal, but i am not sure they ever really met me before they said that. or perhaps they did. is it human nature do you think, to constantly believe the best, to hope for the best possible outcome even when it seems as though all hope is lost? sometimes it feels that way. i think of it this way, when someone dies we use all sorts of phrases to comfort people in their time of grief. many of these phrases suggest that the person is still there, watching over us, waiting for us, giving us hope that they are not really gone forever. is this not the epitome of that belief, that hope should still live on, even when all reason and science has shown us that that hope is not to be born out? this is the problem that i face on a daily basis i think, reality and reason versus feeling and intuition. *sigh* will i ever get it right? so to give you all an update from yesterdays story, my manly friend ray did fix the chainsaw. he also showed me how to fix it should the chain decide to throw itself from the saw yet again in a fit of temper. oh and he told me that the oil chamber was completely dry and that is a bad thing so he oiled it. he also kept asking me questions about it like how tight was it before when did it last have oil, etc...hellllloooo reminder....NOT my chainsaw. i have no idea. ha ha. but the chainsaw is well lubed now and hanging out in the back of my car waiting to finish hacking up the bush-tree in my front yard. awesome! so being the dork that i am, i am watching 101 dalmations, but not the old cartoon kind, i'm watching the live version with the actual dogs and such. oh my gosh could the dogs and puppies be any cuter!! of course its now almost over, but hey, i still think those puppies are pretty cute...and that is something fun and happy for once. so back to my music subject, on top of having songs pop into my head at random times, i also have lyrics that just seem to keep playing in my head..."I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Cause your presence still lingers here. And it won't leave me alone." for those of you that dont know, that is evanescence, my immortal. i havent even listened to it in awhile, yet there it is, circling around in my head. oh well, i guess just roll with the punches, right? happy thursday everyone.

WARNING-Not necessarily peppy.

WARNING TO THE READER!!! this post may not necessarily be positive. given my recent history this should not give anyone a huge cause for concern, but it is MY blog dammit and i will post however i am feeling. i just got home from seeing death race with ray. it was a pretty decent movie, a little violent obviously but only a few gratuitous spots. at least it wasnt anything remotely related to my life (or pretty much anybody elses life that i know of) so it kept my mind off of STUFF. but of course this could not last forever. music. one word, shouldnt necessarily mean a lot, but it does to me. either of my nieces will tell you (or at least tease me if they are over the age of 11) that i know a lot of songs. we are not just talking some here people, i know a lot of random songs and can sing them all the time. i can pretty much come up with a song for any situation. tonight at dinner, ray was discussing how his race car doesnt have taillights (stickers as my nephew could tell you~hello Lightning McQueen), and i piped up with the country song about "showing me nothing but the taillights" which of course had trina rolling her eyes. so tonight after the movie when i had dropped ray off at his house, i listened to a few songs on the ipod, songs i most likely knew i should not have listened to, but wanted to. and of course because songs/music have the power to move me much more than i would like it to, by the time i had pulled into the garage i had started crying. great right. hello, clinically depressed, why listen to that music dork? i know thats what you are asking yourself, but i cant give you an answer, because trying to explain it is just beyond me right now. i pulled it together quickly and rallied, but let myself fall there for a few moments. then of course i decided to come online and blog, to update you all about my day (or the end of my day, the beginning of the next). i saw something online that just punched me in the gut, gave me that rock feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kind it feels like you can never get rid of. it wasn't necessarily news or something i didnt already know, but just seeing the reminder took my breath away. people seriously, trying to explain my emotions to anyone but a twin, its pretty much impossible. dont try to decipher me, you will just give yourself a headache. so now its off to bed, a little sadder than i was this morning (which i didnt think was possible~given the horrible dream i had). does anyone realize how long a fortnight truly is? ha ha.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Twice!

okay posting twice in one day, i must really be on a roll! so heres a funny story. i borrowed a mini electric chainsaw from will to trim the big beast of a hedge/tree/plant that sits in front of our house on the left hand side (right hand side as youre facing the house). its an english laurel according to my neighbor, well its not really a plant, its more like a tree, and the retards that owned our house before deciding placing this right next to the foundation was a good idea. on top of the fact that you cant just trim this sucker because its so thick. so i started hacking away with the chainsaw. all is going well have about half of it down when i realize that the chain has come off the chainsaw! now luckily enough no injuries from this experience. i call will, he thinks im telling him i BROKE the chain, however we cleared that up and he said my manly friend ray should be able to help me get the chain back on. so our front yard is sexy right now because we have a half chopped down bush in the front yard. way to go me! but hey its an entertaining story. i also, swept the kitchen, and for the first time ever actually mopped it with a real mop! now before anyone thinks i am disgusting, i've always cleaned it with a swiffer wet,but really it never was looking as clean as i wanted. so now its looking pretty spic n span if i do say so myself. of course now i am all sweaty and i think i need another shower,but hey thats alright with me. a mostly clean house makes me kind of happy as bizarre as that sounds. tonight have dinner with kendra, her husband ray (as mentioned above the manly one) and their daughter trina. trina turned 12 on monday, how old do i feel?!? yes thats right people, she was born when i was 18, and i will beat you all up if you have anything negative to say about it! but hey there is ice cream cake involved, that is exciting. so, going to head over there soon. the mind is starting to wander to subjects that it shouldnt, things/people that i should not be thinking about. do you wonder why that is sometimes though? why we think of things that we are told not to, why when someone says dont look now, we immediately do? i figured its just part of my makeup, since i'm naturally stubborn. but perhaps with some subjects we are just drawn to them, unable to let them go, holding onto them inside of us, always a part of us. ok, can you tell, im getting too deep now. xoxo everyone!

Oops!

so you know youre doing great when you miss an appointment because you think the date is actually tomorrow but its today so then your counselor calls you because shes worried something happened to you. well im glad to report that nothing has happened i just couldnt sleep last night and was still awake at 5:30 this morning. thats the second time that this has happened and i cant say that i love it. its the opposite problem that i wrote about last night. sometimes at night, i cant get my brain to shut off. it thinks about TOO many things and its overactive. i think its because i try to keep it quiet all day that then i cant keep it quiet at night. does that make any sense to anyone but me? probably not but that is okay.

i dont think it helped that when i finally slept sometime this morning i had a horrible dream. you know the kind of dream that seems to play out in your mind for hours its so long and so detailed. in this dream someone i care about very much was committing herself (this could be a sign that really its me ha ha). i found out all of these horrible things about her and was trying to talk to her loved one about it all and it didnt matter. everyone knew that she did these horrible things but nobody cared but me. it was like i was the only one trying to save her or make her better or believe in her. it was horrible people, really horrible the feelings that it inspired in me. i know it was just a dream but being the spiritual freak that i am i of course have to wonder what the dream MEANS? if it means anything at all.

okay people i am sure youve heard enough of my ramblings for the moment. i will talk to everyone LATER!

xoxo

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Finally, Fixed!!

yes dear readers, i am finally back online to my blog. i realize its been over a month since ive posted and i sincerely apologize. so much has happened, gee where to start. most of you already know this, but i had my...hmmm..."breakdown" last week. i have been out from work for over a week now and am still being babysat daily by the hicks family and taken care of at night and morning by kerry. really though i cant say i mind the babysitting aspect, especially since i get to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew. its hard to feel down when you are around those kids, dont ask me why, even when they are being mean to me and beating up on me i still love being with them. thank god to tiffany and will for reproducing those monsters. its so hard not to feel guilty knowing how many people care about me. thank you to all of that, i wish i could repay that someday, but know that i cannot. it makes me want to be better for all of you though, that is what is hard. i consider myself a smart person. as someone who prides herself on her intellectual strengths, it is hard not to be down on myself for not being able to fix this problem. i can do anything i set my mind to right??? well turns out sometimes, thats not the case. so one day at a time, get up, get ready, go to bed...and repeat. throw some activities in there during the days and you pretty much have my life in a nutshell at the moment. i have another soccer tournament this weekend, at least this one is in seattle. i am excited to play, we have uniforms and everything. our team name is We are All Single (even though i dont think it technically true). the games are being played at maplewood playfield which is apparently somewhere near corson avenue. i have never played there but hopefully i will be able to find it. saturdays games are at 11 and 1, sunday at 9 and 11 am. so freaking early for me. *sigh* so i have decided that the worst thing for me right now has been time alone. i spend a lot of time filling my mind up with nonsense stuff like movies or books. otherwise i have to be around people just to keep my mind from wandering to things that it shouldnt be focused on. what is that quote they always say, "an idle mind is the devils playground". i have found that to be true for me. with not enough filling my head i tend to think about what was, what is, what will be, what will never be. all of it, and if i focus on it too much, it drags me down. i have to WORK at staying out of that dark hole. i guess life isnt easy, sheesh, i would like a refund! and amazingly my once infallible intuition and instinct, well apparently it might have finally failed. go figure. not to worry dear readers, i will rise above as i always do. probably will just take some time. xoxo