Friday, September 02, 2016

I enjoy writing, like a lot. I thought for a very long time that I might be a writer and I'd write amazing romance novels because I'm good at that and heaving bosoms and throbbing members are totally my thing.  LOL.  Ok, so that didn't work out.  But still, I keep adding to this blog, even when I think I should give it up, and how weird is this blog, because every once in awhile I think I have something important to say.  And maybe, just maybe, some weirdo like me will stumble across this blog and want to reach out and say "I'm your people, thank you, thank you, someone else is like me"  Isn't that the great human experience, to find our people, our tribe, our group that we can relate to?

Now granted, it's not like my blog is public.  It's not as if I have great advertising and people are directed to my blog because of my amazing writing skills.  But as before, so after, so here we go...

My life truly began at 38 years old.  How is that you may ask? What does that even mean?  I'm 38 years old right now (plus a few months) and the most bizarre things have happened to me recently.  I got "fired" for the first time at the end of June (if you can even call it that since I was in my probationary period at the time).  But yes, I was fired.  For the first time, in 38 years of living.  It was DEVASTATING.  It was humbling, I had to re-evaluate my whole life and who I was and what I was doing and why I was fired, and how I could possibly be FIRED!  That didn't happen to me, that happened to other people, lesser people, people I didn't know or people who were less smart than I was and too bad for them and holy SHIT I can't believe I was fired and my spouse is losing her job and.....well you get the picture!

But then I took a travel nursing job and was reminded about what I like to do and why I like to do it.  For my first travel assignment I got send to~Seattle!  I know, really far.  But it pays well and I like everyone I've been working with and they even want me to come on as full time staff.  I'm humbled again, but for good reasons.  Now I'm back to the lifetime debate, what do I want to do with myself.  Keep traveling, make good money, take my family with me.  But~have to be away from my friends and my mom.  Take the job in Seattle, but need to move, because I'm not going to commute to Seattle.  Again, away from my friends and mom.  On the horizon, clinic job working with my friend Heather (see earlier posts).  I'm leaning towards the Heather job (and Kerry's decision for me is this one) but I also want to make sure I'll do well, and be challenged, and do a good job for her!

Wait and see, I'll update as things change!

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Midlife Crisis?

So my friend Heather (who also happens to be my favoritist doctor), asked me recently if I'm having a midlife crisis.  Can you have a midlife crisis at not quite 38 years old?  If I am having a midlife crisis, does that mean I'm only going to live until 76?  Holy shit, I just realized that when I was like 14 I said I'd kill myself at 40 cause it was sooooo old.  Yeah~change in plans.

I don't think I'm having a midlife crisis.  I can't decide what I want to be when I grow up.  This is not a new problem, this is a lifelong problem.  Currently the debate is between an MBA in healthcare administration and my post master's in midwifery.  I'm strongly leaning towards the midwife plan right now, but check back in an hour, it could change!

I'm starting to think that Kerry could possibly be right by the way, I could be bipolar.  But in my version of bipolar I get depression and then every few months I want to RUN AWAY!  That's my manic phase.  I get tired of the weather, my job, the responsibilities of being a wife, a mother, a nurse, a manager, myself and I just want to....run away.  This isn't a reflection on my spouse, my friends, my son..only me.  My own thing that I have to do.  But as I get older, it's harder to do, it's hard to run, it's hard to just check out and not face the music and then get right back to it.  So, I attempt to put on a brave face and ignore the anxiety crawling through my skin.  The urge to tear out my hair, scream out my lungs, and to just run.  Some days, it's easy, sometimes I just let it go through me and accept that it is.  Sometimes, I actually just run.

It's amazing to have people in your life that know this, that get you, that understand your own little version of psychotic; and it's even more AMAZING that they love you not in spite of it, but because of it.  Because it makes you you, and they know that you'll come back, that you'll be you again, that the loud roar inside your head will go away and you'll come back to them whole as ever.  I pray for those times.

"Stupid"~Sarah McLachlan
Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the depth of my senses I know

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

So this site is back!

I didn't like wordpress so much as it turned out, so lesson learned.  I'll stick with blogger.  I changed my fancy background too (yet again) as you know how I love to change it up.  Much like my hair color it turns out.
So, what's new here, well I'm in the second quarter of midwifery school and currently not taking a class (I tested out of psych nursing, ha ha ha).  I'm also starting a teaching gig with tacoma community college.  I'll be a clinical OB instructor.  It's only six shifts, but its really good pay for only six days.  And of course I'm still per diem at TG.  So you could say...I'm a busy chick.   It's good for me though to stay busy.  Keeps me out of the dark places in my head, keeps me from spending too much money (as Kerry would say) and keeps me active in ways other than working out.

I thought I was having a chill day but work has been hectic.  Peace out for now!